I look at these connections that people make: friendship, love, trust, faith. I look at each of them and can't help but think about their consequences. To put your trust in someone runs the risk of that trust being broken. To have faith builds the eventual fall to disappointment. Friendships are fickle, forming and breaking, thin as a spider's web and just as disastrous as when you're ensnared by the worst of specimens.
And love...
What to say about love? In all the forms it takes, love is the most dangerous bond. When you love, you give a piece of yourself to someone else. It's up to them whether they nurture that piece of your heart, or if they neglect it, leaving scars so deep that they never heal. Euphoria that teeters on the edge of endless grief. Why chance such a risk?
Then again, I'm being hypocritical. I've loved and regretted, but I wouldn't give up those memories for the whole world. As much pain and resentment they bring me, I treasure those happy memories. If I could restore those times to their former wonderment, I would do so in a heartbeat.
I just wish that I had been luckier. That my love had returned after I let it go. If only...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two months had passed, the spring warming as summer approaches. I was sitting cross-legged behind the cabin. In my lap was the basket, in which the Grimm sat with his ever-patient demeanor. His wing was still wrapped in bandages, which I had managed to change every so often. Today, however, they wouldn’t need to be replaced. The wing was healed now, and the Grimm had even come to flap it in response to my questions. So, after waiting another week from when his behavior shifted, I decided that it was time.
The Grimm met my eyes as I ran my fingers over his feathers. “You know, I never really thought about how this would end. All I could think about was that I needed to do this. But now…” My voice caught. “... I just don’t know.”
The Grimm cocked his head as I blinked back tears. “I’ve… I’ve… I don’t know what I want to say,” I admitted. “I didn’t think that this would affect me. After all, you’re a Grimm. You’re supposed to be this evil force out to destroy humanity. Anybody would have called me crazy for taking you in. But, you never tried to harm me, even when you didn’t want me to put on your bandage. In fact… it was… it was…” My tears were making it difficult to speak. I tasted salt as I took shuddering breaths. “It was… just the opposite. You helped me… even when you shouldn’t have able to do so. When Deino broke my fingers when she stomped on my hand, you were so kind and just nuzzled my hand until I stopped crying. When Enyo used her monsters on me, you groomed my hair for comfort. When my father threw his dinner back in my face, you were there for me to hold. When my stepmother… when she… you made me laugh when you copied sounds. When I was so bruised from when my sisters pushed me down the stairs again, you tried to give me your little blanket. Whenever I was stressed out from school or struggling with my homework, you would just let me stroke you until I figured the problem out.
“And when my nightmares woke me up, you curled up with me and let me sleep peacefully,” I continued listing off his kind deeds until my voice was lost in my sobs. The bird’s impassive eyes never left my face, but I’ve learned that you have to watch his actions to understand how he feels. I cried under the starlight canopy for I don’t know how long, but the empty feeling in my chest wouldn’t fill. The pit in my stomach wouldn’t close.
A beast of destruction. Havoc to mankind. An omen of death.
None of those came close to describing the bird that sat in this little basket. He’s kind. He’s gentle. He’s caring. He’s friendly. He’s… He’s my friend. I don’t why he acts like this, but he does! He’s so warm and nice that I didn’t know it was possible for anything to be so. He cares for me when even my own family treats me like filth! When everyone at school looks at me like I’m a possible menace built from my stepmother’s rumors, whispering behind my back, this bird never did ; he cared for me all the same.
I don’t…
I don’t…
I can’t…
I don’t want…
I don’t think I…
...I can’t let go…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
…
...But I have too…
He’s not a pet. He wants to leave, to be back in the wild. He was my friend, but I knew it wouldn’t last. It was too good to last. After all, good things don’t happen to people like me, not for long at least. If it’s my destiny to break my heart, then I’ll do it. He’s been so kind to me, so warm, that I couldn’t bear the thought of keeping him locked up when he wanted to leave. I just… I just wish I could repay him for all he’s done for me if nothing else. And this… this is all I can do.
Fingers trembling, I took hold of the knot holding the bandage in place. I didn’t even try to hold back my tears as they littered my clothes with damp marks. I tried to speak, but it was so difficult. Everything I wanted to say seemed so small, so insignificant, so unable to grasp everything I wanted to convey. Finally, all I could get out was “Thank you… for … everything you’ve done for me…” I untied the bandages, the material falling away in strips of white.
The Grimm spread his wings experimentally, looking from each one and giving small flaps. He gave me one last, long look before taking off, circling twice before climbing through the leaves, flying until he was lost among the stars.
I watched him go, the first friend I’ve had in oh-so-long. My tears returned in torrents, washing down my face as I clutched the basket to my chest. I cried and I cried until all I could do was hiccup as my tears ran dry. And then, I sat. I sat on the ground, back against the once again lonely cabin, just watching the stars. Thoughts whisked in and out of my head, ones of destiny and acceptance and kindness and pain, but I let them slip back into the murk. So, I just watched the stars.
And when I couldn’t stand to watch the stars, I stumbled to my feet and trudged back inside the empty cabin. I slumped onto the blankets I called my bed, now seemingly so much colder without the feel of feathers curled up at my side. I never knew if I fell asleep or just refused to open my eyes, even as sunlight streamed through the window. It was the weekend, and my sisters had spent the night at their friend’s, so I just laid in my nest. Instinctively, I reached down to pet empty air, the feeling in my chest twisting.
I ignored the sunlight as it peeked through my window as aggravated thoughts pecked away at my skull. I just wanted to stay here and pretend like nothing happened, like the last two months were just a dream that would fade.
I just… I just want to lie here…
Tap, tap, tap.
Without him here, I feel so heavy. My limbs like stones sinking in unforgiving rapids.
Tap, tap, tap.
The pit opened wider as I thought of the days to follow, ones without the supportive Grimm waiting for me. How everything would go back to the way it was, but I wouldn’t forget how those short months had been. It would-
Tap, tap, tap.
My thoughts came to a halt. New ones of conflicting possibilities clashed in the dark as I refused to accept the chance. It wouldn't be… It couldn’t be…
Tap, tap, tap.
I opened my eyes and sat up. In the sunlight from my window, framed in a glow that contrasted against his black feathers, sat my friend.
Comments (2)
See all