I stood there for a second as I looked at him before taking it and shaking my head. “I can't go back,” I tell him and feel myself wanting to cry again. “I tried today. I did.”

“Hey…” He said, reaching his hand out to me but I took a step back and he pulled his hand away. “I'm sorry.”

It was silent between us for a minute and I decided to speak first. “You're going to be late for school.” I remind him.

“I'm not going today.” He tells me. “As I said, I wanted to check on you. I'm sorry about what happened.”

“You don't have to apologize. It was all my fault.” I told him as I took a few steps back to let him come in but I kept my distance between us. “Um, you should come in.”

“It wasn't your fault.” He said as he closed the door and moved to sit on the couch. “I shouldn't have pushed you the way I did back there after you told me not to touch you. I didn't know that your condition was that severe or if I had known that you would react like that you have every right to hate me.”

I looked down as I listened and pressed my lips together as I tried to find the words to say. “But you don't know me and you don’t know about my condition so you don’t know what my limits are. I told you that I couldn't do it. I couldn't even go today.” I said as I covered my face. "I hate this. Sometimes I can’t tell if I’ve gotten worse.”

Elliot rubbed his hands across his lap and took a deep breath. “I’m still sorry… Blame it all on me if that makes you feel better. Please, the way you looked at me after what happened in the restroom, I don't want you to ever have to look at someone like that again.”

“Like what?" I asked him; even though I knew the answer.

“You looked at me with disgust.” He said and he turned to look at me. “And I honestly felt disgusted with myself as well afterward.”

“Why?"

“Because I was trying to force you to say something that you aren't ready to talk about and I’m just a stranger so I shouldn’t have been asking.” He explained. "I hope you can trust me again and if I'm stepping on that boundary again then push me, tell me to stop and I will."

I covered my face as I listened to him and I didn't know what to say but maybe I was still emotionally exhausted. He stayed silent as he watched me cry. I don't know how long it stayed that way, but it felt like the familiar comfort that my mom makes me feel when she lets me express myself when I’m not feeling well. How she lets me show that nasty side of myself that I try to hide every day.

“I'm so tired of this.” I finally said feeling exhausted.

“What do you mean?” Elliot asked and I shook my head not wanting to look at him.

“I want to trust you. I would like to trust you since you took the time to come to visit me, but I just have a hard time trusting people and knowing how to be around them. There isn't anyone that I trust besides my mom and I'm starting to shut her out.” I said as I finally got up and moved to sit on the other couch across from him. “I've been dealing with this for so many years. People scare me because I don't know what they'll do. What will they think once they find out how much of a freak I am? Everyone is always on eggshells around me.”

Elliot presses his lips together before sighing. “Then give me time. I'll try harder and soon you can call me a friend. I hope you'll trust me and I can be there for you when you need it.” He said as he looked up at me.

I covered my face with my hand and it was quiet again until I turned to him. “Can you... can you help me go to school tomorrow?” I asked him.

Elliot smiles and nods, “Yeah, I'll give you a ride in my car. Every day if you need me to.” He said.

I chuckled quietly. “Let’s just try it out at least once,” I said before my smile faded as I cleared my throat. “Just don’t touch me when I say not to… I don’t like that.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” He replied as we both remembered the event from yesterday. “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you see a therapist?”

I shook my head, “Not anymore. My insurance couldn’t cover it which is why we moved here… my mom got a job that offers her insurance and it’ll be able to cover for it if I want to continue with it.” I answered and rubbed the back of my neck. “But I didn’t see it helping me when I was going.”

“Don’t take it the wrong way, Michael, but I think you should reconsider that.” He said, taking a quick glance over at me as if embarrassed to suggest it.

I sigh as I shrugged my shoulders, “I know. It feels like it’s getting worse, but I’m just not sure.” I agreed, but I wasn’t planning on seeing one just yet until I get comfortable in school.

There was a long silence as we sat there and I tried to figure out what I wanted to say before I glanced over at him. I want to trust Elliot, he wants me to, and so far he is all I have to call as a friend at this moment. I glanced at my bedroom as I thought about a few things before I slowly moved to stand up and turned to him.

“You said to trust you right?” I asked him.

“Yes.” He answered.

“I want to give you something to show that I trust you, but I want you to get rid of it and without questions,” I said as I hesitated and my fingers were fidgeting as I tried not to feel nervous. “It’s just something that I have and I don’t know how to get rid of it.”

Elliot shifted slightly and nodded after a second. “Sure. Take it and get rid of it.” He repeated. “What is it?”

I hesitated before walking to the restroom to grab the bag and I paused before coming back to the living room. It was a surprise that I decided to do this, but I reminded myself that I wanted to do better and I wanted to trust him as well. Maybe this was the effort that I can do on my own or with help. I slowly walked over to him and handed him the razor before I regret doing it. Elliot stared at the blade confused before turning to me looking lost for words now understanding what it is and I shook my head.

“Just get rid of it,” I tell him again. “Please.”

“Okay.” He said as he safely put it away in his bag.

I took a deep breath and tried to find the words to say next as I sat down again. “I don’t… I don’t do that anymore if you're curious. When I want to relapse I only just hold it as a way to distract myself but there are times where I want to do it and if I keep having it here it’ll just convince me to continue to harm myself.”

I can tell Elliot was still confused so I continued. “I haven’t done it for a year and I don’t want my mom to see me like that. She can barely handle me now and I’ve been in worse states that I really can’t be handled.” I tell him and I look down at my hands. “I’m only telling you because I want to trust you. I want to be normal and do things that everyone can do.”

“You are normal. You just had something bad happen that you haven’t been able to recover from. Whatever that has happened to you was something you didn’t have control over and no one to help support you I’m sure of .” Elliot tells me and moves to sit beside me. “If you had proper care then you would have been better by now.”

I held my breath for a second before nodding, “I know.” I said feeling like he knew the words I wanted to hear.

“But at least you have support now, right?”

I nod, “Yeah, I think so.” I answered and took another deep breath. “Thank you.”

It was silence between us, again, as we didn't have anything else to say before Elliot got up and turned to me, “Come on.” he said as he pulled out his car keys from his pocket.

“Where are we going?” I asked as I stood up to follow him.

“Just to get some fresh air,” he said as he opened the door and I locked it behind me.

We walked towards his car and we began to head out once I buckled myself in. I didn't mind not knowing where we were going, but at the same time, I wasn't sure if I was even interested in wanting to go anywhere since I still didn’t know the area. I sighed as I looked out the window and realized that we came to a park after he pulled into the parking lot. We got out when he parked and I zipped up my jacket as I felt the cool breeze once stepping outside. Honestly, it was refreshing feeling being outside after I’ve kept myself in my room and getting a little bit of sun.

“I haven't gone to the park for a while…” I said as we walked over to an empty picnic table and sat down.

“Well, it'll be a nice outing and maybe we can get lunch before taking you back home,” Elliot said as he sat down across from me.

It got quiet between us again and I had to look away to distract myself as I tried to figure out what to say. What am I supposed to say? I don’t really know how to hold a conversation and I’m sure anything that I say would just come out gloomy.

“So, I honestly know how it feels to be distant with people and to struggle. I’ve had my own share of trauma as well after my dad died when I was seven years old.” Elliot said, bringing my attention back to him.

“I'm sorry,” I didn’t know what else to say.

“It's okay. This happened years ago. It took me a while to get over it since I was young and it kind of hurt my mom, but it wasn't an accident that killed him. He committed suicide.” He sighed heavily as he looked down at the table. “He was diagnosed with depression and he had a really hard time holding a job. My mom didn't know what to do because he would have episodes and she decided to leave him for my safety.”

I listened as I sat there picking at the end of my jacket.

“He thought he would never see us, me, again so he took a couple of pills and never woke up.” He said as he turned to look at me and straighten up a bit as he inhaled. “Don't take it the wrong way, but yesterday in the bathroom you reminded me of my dad and it made me wonder how he must have felt or what he went through.”

I pressed my lips together as I processed this before looking up at him. “It wasn't your fault about what happened to your dad,” I tell him.

“I know, but I also didn't make it better for how I behaved yesterday,” he said. “I felt like shit after you left and I thought to myself: how can I be so stupid to think I can help you when I don't even know you or know what you have been through that you don't want to be touched.”

It got silent again and I can feel the breeze brushing against my hair.

“I know that you're not like my dad and I don’t know what you went through, but handing me that blade made me wish my dad could have given someone those pills too,” he said after a second of silence. “So thank you, again, for trusting me.”

I nod as I tried to figure out what to say after hearing that. “I want to trust you because of all that we’ve talked about so far, but you shouldn't feel like you have to protect me either if we continue to hang around,” I tell him. “I'm sorry that you had to see me like that, but if we're friends then you might see me act out again and I don't want that to always be upsetting you. I get annoyed with myself when I’m like that too.”

Elliot looked at me and smiled softly, “But wouldn't it be better to have a friend dealing with you instead of being alone?” he asked me.

I took a deep breath and shook my head, “I haven't had a real friend for a while so I don’t know. Everyone in my old school was always nice and helped me out, but they never really bothered taking the time to hang out with me outside of the classroom. I don't even know how to be a friend, honestly.”

“It’s okay. We’re still learning about each other and that’s pretty much how it goes with making friends.” He answered. “Is that fine?”

I nod as I take a deep breath and turn away. “Yeah,” I said and I tried to distract myself by looking around the park.

“Do you want to go already?” He asks.

“Yeah,” I answered shortly.

We got up headed our way back to the car and I wanted to stay outside a little longer, but at the same time, I just wanted to go back to the comfort of my home. The trip back was silent but I think that's because we're still trying to get used to each other and finding out how we can be with each other without making things uncomfortable or awkward. I can tell he's trying and somewhere inside me felt a little happy because I never really had a friend that wanted to get to know me. Once arriving at the house, I got out of the car and fixed my jacket before turning back to him. He was about to get out of the car but I put up my hands to stop him. He doesn't have to follow me everywhere.

“I'll see you tomorrow?” he asked.

I nod, “Yeah.” I answered.

“Seven on the dot. Be out here or I'll be knocking at your door,” he said, smiling.

I know he was joking but imagine him trying to pull me out of the house was giving me a tight feeling on my chest. “Okay.” was all I can say.

Elliot must have noticed my hesitant response and paused for a second. “I'm not going to force you to go to school, Michael. I didn't mean it like that,” he said.

I shook my head, “I know... I know.” I said and tried to give him a small smile. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

He nods, “Tomorrow.” he said.

I made my way to the door and saw that Elliot was there waiting until he saw me unlock the door before driving off. I walked inside, exhaled heavily, as I moved to sit down on the couch and kicked off my shoes. Why did today feel like it was so long when I didn’t do anything? Maybe I was a little stressed out from earlier and the long conversation we had. I closed my eyes as I tried to imagine how it would be tomorrow, but I realized that it would only make me feel nervous so I got up and began cleaning. We still have things in boxes so I started emptying them out and washed the dishes that were wrapped up with newspapers. This occupied my mind for about two hours until my mom came home and she began to cook dinner.

“Thank you for helping, baby,” she said smiling as she saw me folding the empty boxes.

“No problem,” I answered before looking at the old family photo that I took out from the last box.

Mom glanced over at the photo before turning to me. “Do you want to keep that?” she asks.

“Sure. I don't think I actually have a picture with all of us.” I said as I sat down at the dining table still admiring the photo. “Dad looks a little younger here compared to how he looks now,” I say before turning to her. “Are you still mad at him?”

She sighed as she continued on cooking before turning to face me. “Of course I am. I know I wasn’t involved enough, but I trusted him.”

“Dad didn't know...” I mumbled.

“But how could he not see? How could he not have noticed his own son was hurt?” she said, shaking her head.

I took a deep breath before getting up and wrapped my arms around her. “Mom, I forgave you for leaving, but you also have to forgive him as well,” I tell her.

She held me tighter and smiled. “So now you're giving me the advice?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, breaking into a smile.

She looked at me and smiled softly, “I love you.” she tells me.

“I love you too, mom,” I replied back.