Okay so it is currently 3:34 AM and when it is this early in the morning I tend to not think very rationally and do stupid things like writing about my ex so the whole internet can see. I'll probably regret this later but oh well too late now. Okay so in order to understand everything I should start from the beginning. So near the end of 2016/start of 2017 I developed a crush on this guy who I'll call Rooster for the sake of anonymity. I didn't really know him, I'd just see him around school and stuff and occasionally we'd have very brief conversations about stupid things. Anyway, I don't really know this guy that well and I end up seeing him around less often the rest of the school year so my feelings for him eventually dissipate. Which is expected since I didn't really know him, so my feelings for him were pretty shallow and based almost purely off of looks. Then the next school year comes around and I befriend someone who happened to be friends with Rooster. As I became closer friends with this person, I also got closer to their group of friends, which included Rooster. And I started liking him again, except this time I knew him a little bit better. Anyway Rooster and I become pretty good friends and my feelings just grow stronger and stronger for him. Then that school year ended, summer rolled around again, and a new school year started. I'm now really close with my friend who introduced me to Rooster and all of their friends. Anyway, everything is going great for a while. I join the school's fall play as a character with the same name as Rooster, which was purely coincidental. But the point is everything's great: I'm having fun with my first ever speaking role and I'm getting closer to all of my new friends from last year. And then I decide to be stupid and reckless. Since I still have feelings for Rooster and now we're really close friends, I decide that I should confess my feelings for him, so I do, basically just saying that I have more than platonic feelings for him and that I don't expect anything in response, I just felt that I needed to tell him. Then he says that he thinks he might have feelings for me too and maybe we should try being in a relationship as more than friends. He seemed really hesitant and unsure about the whole thing so I asked if he was sure and said that I didn't want to pressure him. He said that I wasn't pressuring him and that this was all his decision. So we start a non-platonic relationship. And it's amazing. It's the first time I really feel like I'm not the only one that cares. I mean, nobody has ever really started a conversation with me unprompted, and I was never anyone's best friend, you know? I always felt--and still feel--like I was just a backup person to talk to or do stuff with when your first umpteen choices are busy. But now Rooster texts me every morning just to say hello and good morning and we talk about serious things about our pasts and about our families and all of that. I have clinical depression--and have had it for as long as I can remember--so I can't remember ever feeling happy, but when I'm with Rooster I feel a lot less shitty. In fact, I feel the best I've ever been. He makes me feel the closest to happy as I can get. I start questioning if I'm in love with him. I have never felt this way about anyone else or thought the things I think about him towards anyone else, and it just feels a lot more intense than the dozens of crushes I've had before. But I don't say anything about it to him because I'm not sure and I don't want to scare him away with the idea of love after just a few days of dating. And then it's my birthday and we go on our first date. It's a little bit awkward, but I expected it to be since it was the first date either of us had ever been on and we didn't really know what to do. Then later in the day we're texting and he asks me how long I've had feelings for him. I say I first developed a crush on him two years ago that eventually tapered off, then started having feelings for him again the year prior when we started to become friends. And he says he's only liked me for a few days. And I think that now it makes sense why he seemed so wary and unsure about his feelings at first: It was because he had just developed them a few days before that. The next day at school he gives me a belated birthday present which I greatly appreciate. And everything stays the same. Until the day after that, when I'm in play rehearsal practicing my part as the character with the same name as Rooster. However, I don't come on until the end of the scene so I'm sitting in the audience looking at my phone when I get this text from Rooster saying that he's breaking up with me and that he's sorry but he was just confused about his feelings and he wanted to end it as soon as possible so as not to prolong it for an unnecessary amount of time, but that he wants to remain friends. And I just lose it. I start crying and I can't stop. It feels like everything I thought I knew is wrong and broken. Because it turns out that I was right all along: I am just the backup. No one has ever thought that I was special or wanted to go to me first when sharing important information. The only reason Rooster even dated me in the first place was because he pitied me. He was the first person I ever loved non-platonically and he broke up with me over text message after less than 5 days of dating saying he had never even liked me in the first place while I was practicing my role as the character with the same name as him. I was heartbroken and in pain, and it sucked. 

This is already way too long so I'll continue the rest later. I should go to bed now, seeing how it is now 4:33 in the morning (yes, a whole hour passed while I was writing this). Alright, bye.