A friend introduces him to an odd duck of a gal and not one day later he would be treated to a weird, yet rather satisfying date. I would also be taken wholly and completely outside of my comfort zone...followed by quite possibly one of the most painful experiences of his life the following day. This is the story of the most painful second date I've ever been on.

Now firstly, I'll admit this is not the worst date I've been on. However, it is the only date where I've seriously wondered if I would retain full functionality of one of my senses afterward. (Don't worry, I did)

As you may have guessed at this point, there were quite a few odd moments in between. So don't worry, However, to get to the climax (Shall we say) we do have a tad bit of a winding road to pursue over the next few posts. That requires going down the rabbit hole of the first date.

One thing you should understand about me is that I am an incredibly odd dude, even amongst established practices of normal individuals. One such thing I did not do was get my driver's license until I was 24. I was 23 at the time of this story, so for obvious reasons I did not have a vehicle to transport myself.

I went to visit a number of friends at the local community college during their Dungeons and Dragons session. (Yes, I play Dungeons and Dragons. Fight me and my religious zealot level 10 wood elf dusk blade). While I was there, I was informed of a wonderous airsoft event where a bunch of us would go into a forest and shoot each other with airsoft guns. Sounds like a good idea right? (God no! Not this time!)

Of course, during this period of time, the idea was floated that somehow Herrick needed a ride to go to the said event and this is where my amour (so to speak) appeared. An individual I shall call Sid agreed to be my ride.

She was hella cute too! I personally have a thing for girls with short hair and she did indeed. We worked it out between her and I and I gave her my home phone number to call me up, so we could meet up for the event. That day was a Teusday and the event was scheduled for Thursday.

The following day, I had no plans and suddenly I got a phone call. It was Sid and she asked to come pick me up so we could hang out, astonishing to me, but since I had no plans I thought "Why not."

Now, let me pose a question to you. Do you think this is a date?

If you answer is, "I don't F%$#ing know," then you have the same answer I did during the entirety of the day.

And if you were trying to woo someone, a prospective date shall we say. An individual of nerdly stature like myself, how would you do that? Would you say...go to a porn shop?

...

...

Cause that is exactly where we went first. Me being the go with the flow kind of person was quite confused.

A. where we went first because this was apparently a planned errand for her.

B. that she wanted to shop at a porn shop for actual porn, with a . (People do that?)

C. Buy things.

D. And most importantly, I had never been to a porn shop. (It isn't that exciting)

Now, this was ten years ago, and even then I knew that sex shaming people in inappropriate. So I pose the question to you, how do you react in that situation?

This is actually an incredibly important question to ask yourself when going out with people because the unexpected can and will happen. You will be taken out of your comfort zone by a person you are dating. So, what do you do when you are placed in a situation that you are wholly and completely unprepared.

I have a simple response to that which is gained throughout years of dealing with the unexpected. Don't...say...anything.

Instead, sit back, relax, and evaluate. It is quite possible the situation is going to pass without you needing to say anything, doing anything, giving any feedback, or giving any reaction what-so-ever. If you are asked for your opinion, respond with simple answers like "That was different" "Take your time" or "No worries."

Do not say: "It was interesting" "It's fine" or the southern "Bless your heart, that's okay." Because in southern, bless your heart means "F%$& You" These responses, for the most part, invite discussion. The previous responses allow discussions to end if you do not knoow what to say.

So she, with her plastic bag in hand and I thoroughly confused and having some second thoughts about what in the A$$ I was doing there in the first place. But, the date continued! Huzzah! Aaaaaaaaand, it got odder.

Another thing you should know about me is that I was incredibly sheltered as a child and I was not presented by life lessons until I was older. We arrive at her house and she proceeds to present to me the first time I had ever seen narcotics. Granted, these were not crazy stuff like heroine or ex-girlfriends...OOPS! Hahaha...*uncomfortable silence* I MEAN...moving on ->

Side note: I will only ever really directly disparage one ex and call that one specific ex-crazy. This is not to say "Women be crazy", it is a commentary on that one specific individual. Just as there are crazy women, there are crazy men. There are entire industries dedicated to these people. All exes I had up until this point were lovely women, it just didn't work out. The one ex I had that was the big bad that will be a subject of her own post was actually crazy. She ended up in an insane asylum for a period of time, which of course some people may call a "Red flag" but I personally liked doing adult things with her...so c'est la vie.

Back to our current epic, she presented me with marijuana for the first time, which I politely declined. Though to be fair I probably could have used it. I was (and to an extent certainly still am) tightly wound. I am constantly analyzing every event going on at that current moment to figure out the best path forward. Which means, I can identify at least twenty plus possible eventualities and of course must identify plans for each eventuality. My anxiety and mind is filled with so many twists and corners that even Freddie Kreuger would be dumbfounded at choosing the best nightmare to visit me with. "Don't worry Mr. Kreuger...I already know what is going to happen."

And that is where I became much more confused. A guy came over to hang out with us and he proceeded to "Compete" with me over her...which was quite confusing to me.

He pushed me off the bed we were hanging out on and she watched with intent. For my part, I'm a trained martial artist and I could have likely broken his wrist, but doing so would be assault. I am also really laid back so I let it go. But, this brings to mind another topic. Competition.

I'll be explaining my opinions on "Competition" later on, but for a short version, I don't do it. Competition over a woman is dumb to me. Why would I compete over her? First off, that's a lot of work and I am way too lazy for that sort of thing. Second, if a girl is encouraging competition between two dudes, well she's just not worth my time, because she is visibly causing conflict. Why would I want someone who is encouraging conflict in my life? Homey aint got time for that. I got vidya games to play. And finally, people make their own choice in romance and often times their decisions are made up within the first thirty seconds. That isn't likely to change because another dude is posturing. So, there's no point in it.

We moved on and ended going out to hookah to hang out with her friends. This is also one of those bizarre circumstances because I met quite a few people I would describe as quitessentially sketchy. They weren't overtly untrustworthy, but there's that inkling in the back of my mind of "Yeah, don't want them in my life." I could be right, I could be wrong, but I'm not taking that chance.

Afterward we went back to her place again and I had already called my parents to let them know I wasn't going to be coming home that night. I was expecting to sleep on a bed or the couch of course and I was also expecting this other dude to leave...he didn't.

Me in my immatureness thought "I wonder why they went into the room together?" yeah I know, naive.

So keep in mind, I still didn't think this was a date. I thought, heck this is just friends hanging out and she's cute. I was also going to college and was planning on leaving legitimately four days later in Arizona, so to say my investment in the moment and my disappointment that she wasn't hanging out with me at thee time was minimal at best.

I passed out, woke up the next day around 7am and she was standing over me encouraging me to get up so she could be my ride home.

On the drive back to my place she and I chatted a bit and then when I got out I was expecting her to stay in the car.

Now, here's where it gets confusing even for me as an adult. I had unknowningly been chosen as a candidate for a potential relationship...even after that strange bizarre night.

You see, I don't give the "Playboy" vibe off. A friend once described me as giving off the "Dad" vibe. She also described me as a douche with a purpose, because I'm only mean if someone deserves it and there's a reason for it, but that is neither here nor there. It is also one of the reasons why most of the time I don't get hit on by girls. I am intrinsically assumed to be taken (For some odd reason, don't ask because I have no idea why). This is also why I myself am not suited for one night stands, which as an older and more seasoned individual I can take a hazy educated guess as to what happened.

Let us examine myself and the other individual shall we? We will call the other person Candidate A and me candidate B.

Candidate A: is essentially tagged as fun. They tend to get the attraction quick and the girl quick, but can't hold onto one. He or she's not long term material. He/she may not be attractive enough personality wise or he/she may not be as available or mature enough for a real relationship. These people, however, are fantastic for friends with benefits situations because it is easy to cut bait and move on. Additionally, these individuals tend to be the kind of people that are A-okay with this type of arrangement.

Candidate B: Is tagged for something long term. In these types of situations, men (more often than women) present themselves and get judged to be either candidate A or B. This type of individual is usually held at arm's length and let in slowly. The reason why is rather odd, but biologically people tagged for long term relationships are often let in slowly over time because the potential partner wants to see if their target of choice is consistent and interesting enough to sustain a real relationship. It also has to do with the question of if that person can provide for children (even if the women in question isn't actually looking for a kid) because it is ingrained biologically and linked to sex intrinsically. As a byproduct of this, sex won't happen as quickly and is hard earned. But, the affection is real, long lasting, and the sexual interactions more meaningful.

So, when she got out of the car and asked to come inside, I thought "uh...okay." Now, don't ask me why one thing led to another because I don't remember jack about the next ten minutes, except that we kissed and she said the following without prompting or any sort of context beyond the kiss.

"Yes, just yes!"

So uh...I guess I'm in a relationship now? (That lasted two days)

Join me next time for the continuation of this bizarre series of events, because it ends about as quickly as it began...in the fiery flames of coincidental chaos theory.