They found his bones millions of years later. His hand is clutching his phone tight to his body. The only other object near was a single chord going to an unbegotten power source. He had scratched with his nailes to create a simple message of sadness, anger, fatigue, and so much more. Why did you ghost me? Why don't you like me? 

There are a few things I have zero respect for in the dating game. One such thing is ghosting. As a result, this is the prologue to an epic I will call Ghosting Games with Friends. But before I do so, I will be making a direct case for as why an individual should never ghost another, even though it has become an archetypal staple of the dating game. 

Ghosting leaves lingering unresolved self-doubt in the other person, hurts them emotionally, and leaves a lasting trauma that builds distrust of the opposite sex. And so, I tag it as downright abusive and completely unacceptable. If you decide to date, a part of you is taking responsibility for touching the other person's heart. If you can't handle the responsibility for providing closure to another, don't date.  

But what is ghosting? As written by the urban dictionary:

Ghosting can mean the shutdown/ceasing of communication with someone without notice. These actions can include but doesn't always require the closing or shutting down of social media accounts or ports of contact such as email addresses or phone numbers. It can also be associated with ongoing communication in the form of minuscule replies, or as it is more commonly referred to "Leading someone on," and the final one, where the person asks to get together and the words "I'll get back to you," are used. (And then the ghost doesn't)

Why is ghosting so addictive for the opposite party to want to send follow-up texts? Why does it leave so many lingering aspects of self doubt?

The human mind is wired to want to finish things, one of the reasons why terrorists can radicalize people. And yes, I'm serious, but the science and psychology behind it is absolutely fascinating and pretty similar to this (But ghosts aren't trying to convince someone to spread terror).

Here's how it works. A recruiter finds someone on a forum where they already lean towards the ideology (But aren't a radicalist). They begin a private conversation and trigger a bunch of emotions that are racially charged, full of hate, and highly controversial that even someone who only leans a bit in that direction is going to still rail against. After being "Called" on their BS, the two begin an amicable conversation, but the radical recruiter continues to ply their trade more passively by presenting facts, etc that are statistically true, but interpreted abstractly to fit that ideology. Then, right before they end the conversation they say some stuff that is exceedingly controversial and then exit the conversation abruptly. It may seem like this wouldn't work, buuuut human nature is to finish things and so that individual will seek out other conversations and slowly become indoctrinated. This obviously doesn't work all the time, but it only needs to work once in a thousand.

Ghosting is quite similar strangely enough. The conversation is started with the charged emotion of attraction, a conversation starts that norms the beginning of that relationship, at the end of the first meeting/date there's the goodbye which is always going to be charged with all kinds of electricity for one or both people. And then? One of the two wants to continue that conversation, texts or calls, but with no response and that leaves an empty hole inside someone's gut because they: 

1. don't know if their communications are being seen.
2. Did something wrong.
3. Should be doing something differently.
4. Should give the benefit of the doubt because hey "Something might have happened" (and yes, people get worried for your safety if you do this)
5. Are being too pushy by texting.
6. If by texting they screwed it up

Now that we have that out of the way, I want to first discuss instances where I fully and completely support the act of ghosting. These are of course:
1. The person is an a$$hole
2. The individual may be suspected of doing something horrible to you (Violence, verbal abuse, etc)
3. It is mutual (Both of you just stop talking to each other)
4. They won't take the hint. You broke the news that you were not interested in them and they continued contacting you. 

Here is where it is not okay: 

1. The person likes you and is being polite
2. The person is new, confused, and maybe texting a lot, but is not by any means being rude or impolite and you have not taken the initiative to break it to that you are not interested.
3. You said you wanted to see them again. 

But, here is where I lose respect for the person. Ghosters in my mind are abusers, just like verbal abusers but it can be bad for people that are less skilled at dating. That conversation will always feel unfinished. They will carry that distrust with them to the next person they date. "Will that person ghost me too?" 

In the dating game, there's already enough anxiety going around. Don't be an @$$ and add to that person's experience. Take the time, let them know it's over, move on. It doesn't need to be complicated. If it was only a date, a single text message like: 

Thank you so much for going out with me last night. I really enjoyed your company and I think you are a wonderful person. I do not think there is that spark of attraction for me between us though and so I am not going to continue seeing you romantically. You did not do anything wrong, so don't beat yourself up. You'll find someone awesome soon because you are that awesome!

That's it. You can even copy that verbatim. Then, block their number after sending that text and move right along with your life, no need to prolong it any further. 

As for if you believe you believe this is happening to you there are a few simple things to consider. Firstly, it isn't uncommon for people to get busy. But always remember the golden rule of dating. Be polite. 

After a date, thank the person for going out with you. Or, in the instance where a person stops talking to you mid-conversation, don't expect it is related to you and if they don't respond, they may have just forgotten. Wait a bit, and the next day sends them a short message with a question. I like jokes. Like:

You: Do you know why they call my printer at work Bob Marley?

Them: Why?

You: It's always Jammin! (Groaaaaaaan) How have you been? 

I have ranked these three in order from least, to worst:  

1. short one word responses, such as "Lol" or "Haha, that's funny."
2. Silence (Obviously)
3. The lead into the conversation and then when you ask them out again they respond with something such as "I'll get back to you." This is by far the worst because it keeps you on the hook. 

So to finalize, if you have ghosted someone in the past yourself and think that is how it's just done. Don't. It's amateur dating BS. Nut up or draw deep from your ovaries and show some emotional fortitude. Stop doing it. The past can't be changed, but you can stop doing it going forward. 

And if you have been ghosted? First, recognize it has nothing to do with you or anyone else. A person that utilizes the ghosting lifestyle is a weak, selfish, cruel, and mean person. They do not want to take responsibility for breaking the news to you, which is just a part of the dating game. Second, recognize that people like this were shitty people from the get-go. They didn't just randomly become $h!tty people after going on one date with you. It is just who they are and you randomly appearing in their life isn't going to change their outlook. And finally the kicker, people like that have done it before and being with a person who has a history of sociopathy toward others a policy is a great way to end up in a relationship with a sociopath, so just avoid at all costs. 

And now, you know why people that do the whole "Ghosting" thing are absolute @$$hats. 

Cheers! May peace be with you, my friends. Join me soon for Pt1. Dating Ghost Recon with Friends. A winding road of hilarity.  (Postponed to a later date for now, instead, we will begin From Stoner With Love!)

- End of Episode -

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