The year is 2016 and winter had set in. A storm swept through my life that demolished everything in its path: my home, my friends, and even my family. Devastated, a friend offered to set up a LAN party to soothe my aching heart with the salve that can only be provided from video games with close friends. Little did I know that by the end of this story I would lose a friend, the rift in my heart would grow ever more profound. Things in this story my friends may sound Dire, but in the long run, it would become a catalyst for the rest of this book. So harken to me great warriors of romance and join me by my fireside. The battle for the heart begins, now. 

Much of what I'm going to race through here is the subject of another post yet to come, The Fake Divorce. So, don't worry too much if I skip through some significant plot points early on, you will learn all of the dirty details. 

In October of 2016, my ex and I broke up. She and I had been together for two and a half years, so naturally I was not in a good state of mind. Fast forward to Thanksgiving. 

During this specific period of the break-up, I was doing everything I could to try and salvage the broken pieces of the relationship, sweeping them into a little dustpan and hoping that if I poured them out into my lap, they'd magically land in a perfectly framed picture of our relationship before storm clouds formed. 

If I wanted to bring that relationship back together, it would have taken subtlety, charisma, and manipulations that I am quite frankly biologically incapable of because...I'm me. 

I have the personality qualities that I shall list out here for you:  

1. the subtlety of a hyena

2. charisma of a howler monkey

3. and I'm about as manipulative as a charging rhinoceros

Now, if you can't tell...based on the qualities listed...I have legitimately 0 chance of massaging a broken relationship back together. So to say I failed at doing so would be an understatement of the highest caliber. 

So come Thanksgiving, I invite my friend Mr. J to Thanksgiving to enjoy a meal since he was not near family or friends. You see, Mr. J was one of my best friends at the time. I considered him like family, and as a result, I trusted him far more than I imagined other people. 

My decision, it turns out, was a mistake. 

During Thanksgiving dinner he saw me in such a sore state after the break-up and offered to host a LAN party with the explicit intent of helping me get over the break-up, not only did I think this was the freshest and sweetest thing I could encounter from a friend, it also meant a lot to me, period. 

I imagined a day amongst friends guffawing and laughing heartily as we slew the denizens of hell. A day of debauchery fueled by energy drinks, potato chips, and candy. I saw as my day of rest amongst a myriad of days where all I had known was tension, loneliness, and sadness. 

Of course as with most things Herrick related, my theorized ideas of what would happen didn't even match the remote possibilities of what could happen and of course, none of what I expected...did happen. Instead, I was faced with a sudden debacle that broke my mind.

Let me set up a fictional scenario for you, one that I think my nerdy friends can gain insight from. 

Weasly setup a LAN party to help Harry Potter get over the death of his parents...you'd think...he wouldn't...I mean...normal people with any reasonable amount of sanity wouldn't invite Voldemort to that party? Let alone make it a surprise and not tell Harry...right? I mean, these are two fundamental pieces of domestic friendship protocol that are for the most part...common goddamn sense...

Now, would I blame Ron for his actions? Sure. Ron was a dick. But, what if Ron decided because he had a pre-existing household rule in place that dictated everyone was welcome in his home and always invited to every event? Sticking to that rule, being consistent makes sense. But, let's look at it from a contract point of view. 

1: No cats in the house. 

    1.1: Unless there is a hurricane   <--- common sense

2: Everyone is invited to events hosted at the house

    2.1: If you are throwing a party for a friend, don't invite the person who killed his parents. <------ common %$#&ing sense...right?!?!? 

There is a reason why contract law has subsets that account for bizarre, and the same should, in theory, be true of house rules. 

The day of the LAN party comes. I've taken off work, haven't been able to go in for days. My stomach is churning, burning, and I am unable to sit still. These were not to do with any sort of sickness. Instead, they were fight-or-flight symptoms due to wanting to be with my ex, but not being able to at the same time. The only thing that was on my mind was escaping with some friends to play some games.

And then I received a message that would cause ripples throughout my personal life for years to come. Prepare next time for the fall-out of this disastrous LAN Party and a few hilarious anecdotes along the way. I promise you; it's a finale you will not want to miss.

The lesson of the day: 

You'll never know why someone decided to break-up with you. No matter how many details you dig into, no matter how vast your information network is, it honestly doesn't even matter if you are the worlds best spy; the human mind is the most mysterious and ever winding labyrinth that shall never be fully penetrated by you or anyone else. (Giggity) Don't make the mistake of trying to go down the rabbit hole of someone else's mind, because you'll never get out. Instead, take the time to get good with yourself. 

- End of Episode -

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