An aborted assassination attempt, a dessert that would confuse the likes of Chef Ramsey, and a departure to be remembered...if you think previous episodes were weird, you are about to see events tumble out of my control in a finale I could not begin to comprehend. 

Where we last left off, we had a slightly embarrassed Herrick sitting in the middle of a park being stared at by numerous strangers as my paramour was singing songs that were themed around graphic sexual encounters. Also, I was dripping wet with mud and contemplating whether I had an infection on my legs from poison ivy.  

I changed the subject, distracting her from her next song which no doubt would have drawn more unwanted attention if not a direct confrontation. 

And what subject did we change it to? Past relationships. 

My longest and at this time most recent relationship at this point ended badly. So severely it deserves its saga which would tell a tale that would involve subterfuge, Game of Thrones level manipulations, thousands of dollars of accumulated debt, heartbreak, and a fake divorce legal battle that would span a whole year almost to the day. It would start like any other break-up but devolve into a conflict that was more akin to the cold war with its culmination eerily similar to the Cuban missile crisis. 

Without going into details yet and spoil yet another full saga for you, I will say that I was not in the best of moods because after this date; I was going to be having a conversation with my lawyer that would cost me in the upwards of 250-500$. 

When I told her about my current troubles, her immediate response was...and this is a direct quote "We could kill her." Here's the thing, she said it with such conviction that I could not help but think she was serious. 

Despite having entertained such thoughts about my ex-girlfriend in the past, (humorously of course (of course)). I would never actually wish my ex (real) harm, so I politely declined the assassination offer.

So, she opens the Tupperware container and low and beholds the most bizarre concoction of a dessert I think I've ever seen. There was apparently an attempt at presentation with a nice wrapper around...whatever it was. There isn't a category of food that I could attribute to what was within that green cupcake wrapper. The closest thing I can equate it to is a...brown snowball?

It turns out; this was a smash-up of Oreos, KitKats, and other chocolaty deserts + Marzipan. 

Fun unrelated fact: 

Did you know that the filling between the tasty wafers in a KitKat is failed kitkats? So, within each KitKat is filled with the smashed up bodies of their aborted brothers and sisters.  

♫♪♫♪♫♪ llmll ( ^o^)  llmll ♫♪♫♪♫♪

KitKats are the most metal candy bar in the world. 

Back to our story, not to be deterred I take the snowball of candy bars and wedding cake decoration and bite in...and discover something...interesting. 

Usually, when you eat a dessert, you expect sugar primarily. One thing you don't expect is protein. And I bit chicken. My tastebuds were extremely confused. What in the name of the unknowable Cthulhu have I gotten myself into?

At this point, she asks me a question; I was woefully unprepared.

I have responses prepared for the following questions: 

"How is the food (insert x food you don't like)?" 

"How is the food (Insert x food you like)?" 

What I do not have answers prepared for is...this wholly unexpected situation. 

So I did what any reasonable person would do, I blacked out how I answered. What I do know about the next 30 seconds to a minute is that my response was less than adequate, but when my memory picks back up, I managed to somehow change the subject instead of revealing my deep confusion. 

At this point, I decided "Yeah, we are done here." and began moving the date toward wrapping up. 

The rest of the date was rather uneventful other than her asking if she could see me again. 

I knew that I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but I also knew I did not want to see her again and also needed to leave (quickly) or else I risked being drawn into more bizarre situations. 

Considering I am...me and being Herrick is a hereditary disease with symptoms that include overarching denseness and stupidity, I am surprised I managed a response of Bobby Fisher level genius in an ocean of complete and utter bumbling stupidity. 

I politely said...we could talk about it later. Thus, managing to extricate myself from...not the worst date I've ever been on, but certainly one of the most bizarre. 

Later, she did ask me out again, and I politely declined, but then she asked me out a few more times, ten to be exact. It would take me a full year before I felt comfortable removing her on facebook. 

Now I realize, some of you may be wondering why the title of this is "That Time I (Might!) Have Dated a Killer," well here's the thing. I got one of those vibes...an animalistic one that just warns you the prickle at the back of your neck...warning Will Robinson! Warning! And I got one of those such vibes. Later, I heard some things that though completely unconfirmed led me to believe I indeed was correct. I will not be discussing said details here though, just because they are A. unconfirmed and B. might be enough to reveal enough information about this individual to identify them and I go out of my way to not, under any circumstances disclose identifying information about people in these stories. They are now, and always will be about my personal experiences, how I felt, why I felt that way, and my reactions. I will never include rumors. 

Swipe Right continues next Wednesday with a quaint story that changed my outlook on dating forever: Beauty and the Beast

- End of Episode -

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New Episodes of Swipe Right are released every Wednesday at 7 AM PST.