A hike...A picnic...A serenade...An assassination offer...And a dessert...I was about to go out on the most bizarre date of my entire life. 

I'll set the stage for you, it's early autumn. It isn't quite cold yet, so the weather outside is perfect! And I had a date! 

This lovely lady and I hit it off. She was charismatic, engaging, energetic, and had quite a bit to say. 

So I asked her out and she said yes! We decided to add each other on facebook (which will come into in the final act of this dumpster-fire of a date). 

Now, I have had a LOT of first dates, and for the most part, they were fantastic! This one was...shall we say...a somewhat particular case. 

We have decided to take advantage of the beautiful weather and scheduled to meet up at a park and go for a hike together, then have a picnic. 

What a lovely idea! (Right?) How can it go wrong? 

Get a helmet. 

We meet, hug, exchange pleasantries, then begin to walk toward the hiking spot, which was a large gravel trail that I had seen in a few pictures on google maps...or so I thought. 

At this moment, I also discovered the first warning sign:

She had taken the initiative to decide our route. 

In addition, she had personally walked it multiple times to make entirely sure this was the perfect route for our day.

This was a heavily wooded public park, but the main trail was a ten-foot wide gravel path, perfect for easy walking.  

Though I loathe lambasting someone who put this much effort into trying to impress me, I can only wonder what was going on in her head when she decided to take me on the "path" she had chosen for us. 

This "path" was not on the main trail or any trail for that matter...but what it was next to...was a trail. Perfectly perpendicular in fact. For obvious reasons this was the start of my confusion, thinking there was a plan. Was she going to show me something interesting? Was I going to experience a beautiful paved trail? 

The first question was most definitely true...it was interesting. 

However I would not call the experience beautiful, but rather difficult. 

I had prepared that day in shorts, one of the very few days I ever wore shorts because I, wrongfully assumed that since this was a public park and not a traditional hiking trail that we'd be walking on a gravel path. Instead, I found myself stumbling through overgrowth for the next fifteen to twenty minutes. I tried to carry on a conversation, but alas due to the following I was not able to: 

Instead, I received an impromptu test for amateur acrobatics. 

The ever-increasing struggle to avoid poison ivy X (Fail) 

Spraining my ankle ✔ (Pass)

Stumbling into a nest of some animal or another  X (Fail)

As you can probably surmise, I found it rather hard to speak with any consistent train of thought. 

Eventually, we arrive at a clearing. A respite had come. My relieved mind gave way to more confusion. We were next to a stream, and she informed me excitedly "Time to cross!" My dreams were dashed. I realized today would not get any better when instead of normal traditional way of crossing...well...there was not one. 

The only way to cross was a simple set of rocks in a row with a long branch in the middle. Classically, I nimbly jumped from stone to stone, until I got to said branch, at which point with the grace of a ballerina firmly planted both shoes on either side of the offending tree child. With water all the way up to the bottom of my shorts and my feet thoroughly covered in mud, I was not happy. 

It was at this point that I finally managed to convince my paramour that it was time to turn around. 

So, when she went to go back the way we came I said "Nuh-uh" and pointed at the actual trail. She agreed. Success! I was sure that this would be the first step toward getting this date back on track. Everything was perfect and nothing else went wrong. (Something else went wrong) 

Join me next Wednesday for Act 2 of That Time I Dated a Serial Killer. 

Your lesson of the day: 

I want to discuss pre-first-date mental preparation. The key to a good first date is not to try hard. I realize this may seem counter-intuitive, considering your goal is to impress someone enough within one hour that they want to practice making babies with you. However, trying too hard can have the opposite effect.

How do you avoid this? Set a time, date, and show up. Beforehand, do normal grooming routines, and then head out. It's that simple. Don't overthink your conversations, don't place any pressures upon yourself. The key here is, if it doesn't work out...your life hasn't changed. You never have to talk or see them ever again.

- End of Episode -

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