It was rare for me to see Empress Pei-hua outside of a formal setting. I took my every day meals with the concubines and their daughters in the Palace of Earthly Tranquility. The rest of my days were spent learning poetry or practicing calligraphy in the Pavilion of the Yellow Crane with Madame Fu and various other tutors. Sometimes Shun would have lessons with me, if his tutors thought it appropriate to take a break from his own responsibilities. 

The only times I saw my mother were on special occasions, such as the four days a year when the entire royal family traveled together to the Zhanshan Temple to pray for the Empire’s good fortune and honor our ancestors. Occasionally, I also saw her when a guest of high status visited the palace and the royal family was expected to greet them. But they hadn’t bothered inviting me to see honored guests for several years now. I expected that, now that I was growing older, they didn’t want outsiders to see my face. It would ruin marriage prospects if someone spread rumors that I was ugly.

Empress Pei-hua walked forward to stand before me. The train of her dress was long and it swished softly across the sandalwood floor. Her gown was a pretty pale blue decorated with embroidery in white and silver. The long, flowing sleeves of her dress were covered with designs of bright plum blossom trees and azaleas, appropriate for the spring season.

Her hair was a masterpiece unto itself. The long black locks were delicately piled on top of her head into a vaguely triangular shape. Three matching hairpins were neatly tucked into the mass to keep it standing. The pins were beautiful, made of pure ebony and inlaid with pearl enamel. From the ends of the pins dangled chains threaded with beads of ivory. The beads clicked against each other as the empress moved, making a sound like crickets chirping in the night.

I bowed my head forward as she approached. “Royal Mother,” I addressed her. She nodded her acknowledgement and I straightened. Her black eyes roved over me, evaluating my appearance. I was often told that I took after my mother in looks. I had her soft, curving features and wide forehead. The same sharp slant of her nose and eyes the dark earthy color of Puer tea. Among my brothers, only Li-bai, the eldest, also favored my mother’s features. Jian-yu and Shun had only my father in their looks, their noses flatter and their cheekbones sharper. It was why the court ladies always giggled mischievously about Li-bai the most.

“Are you prepared for the ceremony, Su-min?” she asked once she was satisfied that I looked presentable.

“Yes, mother.”

“Recite your words.”

I did so, repeating the phrases that I had so painstakingly memorized for this day. It was not just the words themselves that required memorization. Every tone, every inflection of every syllable had to be perfect in execution. One mistake would change the words’ meaning and bring misfortune down upon me. But I recited the words to her perfectly- I was not about to let a small slip up ruin the ceremony and my marriage prospects.

“Good.” Her red-painted lips quirk up into a small, secretive smile. “But I didn’t come here just to hear you practice. I have some good news to share with you, daughter.”

My back instantly straightened my eyes looking up at her with unbridled hope. She had news of my marriage, I was sure of it. What other news would she have to bring me? My heart beat fast in my chest and a giddy feeling bubbled up in my stomach. There were many eligible princes in the empire who father could marry me to. I knew father would only choose princes who were young, handsome, and rich. I was his only daughter after all, and he loved to spoil me much more than any of my brothers. I would accept whichever prince he chose, but I secretly hoped for it to be Prince Dai-yuan of Wei province.

Prince Dai-yuan had visited the Jade Palace several times over the years. He was only one year older than I was, so we had been allowed to play together under servants’ supervision. There were many handsome, rich princes across the empire, but Dai-yuan was the only one who I knew would treat me kindly as well. He’d always been rather shy and soft-spoken, never one to take initiative. His mother had always scolded him for it, but I liked that the most about him. If I became his favored wife, I could be assured of a pleasant, respectable life in the Wei capitol. I’d have my own palace to govern and control as I saw fit, with servants and eunuchs loyal to me. I would give him many sons who would grow up to be handsome, respectable princes one day like their father. That was the life I expected- no, that was the life I deserved, as imperial princess.

My mother chuckled softly at the innocent excitement on my face. “You are to be congratulated, Su-min,” she said. “The great Prince Ying-feng of Yan province is to be your husband.”

The hapless smile on my face froze and stiffened. I stared deep into my mother’s eyes, searching for her meaning. She only looked back at me with a slow, easy smile and amused eyes. No… She couldn’t be serious, could she? Prince Ying-feng was an esteemed general of the empire and known far and wide as a harsh, cruel man. He had received criticism in the past for his overzealousness in disciplining his own soldiers in unspeakable and irrational ways- cutting off fingers, public whippings, suffocation… Even father had voiced displeasure with his tactics.

That wasn’t even to mention that he was unspeakably old- old enough to be my father, with gruff, hard features and a beard that reached down to his chest. No… No, father would never force me to marry an ugly old brute like him… would he? When the silence continued and mother said nothing more to indicate she’d been joking, I haltingly spoke.

“Mother, there must be some mistake,” I said, searching for a way to refuse the proposal without insulting the prince’s honor. “I couldn’t possibly marry Prince Ying-feng. I… I’m just a young girl, unworthy of such an accomplished warrior. Certainly he’d prefer a more experienced woman…”

“The Prince has asked for your hand specifically,” Mother said. “Your father graciously accepted. It will be a good match for you, Su-min. It is an honor to marry the man who is responsible for the protection of our great empire.”

My breath quickened, and my hands began to tremble inside of my sleeves. The beautiful dream that I had cultivated for so long, that perfect vision of a happy life- it shattered in a moment.

I gaped. No words seemed to come out of my mouth. Instead, I dropped to the floor, pressing my forehead to the ground as if I were a servant.

“Mother, don’t make me marry him,” I begged, speaking quickly. “Let me speak to father. He wouldn’t do something that would make me unhappy, I can change his mind. I can-“

“Get up,” she hissed. I flinched. “Stop degrading yourself. It won’t change anything.” I slowly raised my head, leaning back on my knees. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes. My mother stared down at me with disapproval and a quickly thinning patience.

“The war with the northern hordes are costly and dangerous,” she said. “Now more than ever your father can’t afford to lose. Prince Ying-feng is a clever general and a generous donor to the war. All he asks is that his clan be tied through blood to the emperor’s family. It is not so much to ask in return for his service.” She clucked her tongue at me. “You should be honored, Su-min. This is an important marriage for your father. You will be making him proud.”

But it is even more important to me, I thought desperately, though didn’t dare say aloud. What about my life? Does my misery mean nothing to you? But I knew better than to ask these things. I already knew the answer- nothing came before family, before the empire. A naïve princess’s happiness was the simplest sacrifice in the world to make. I felt the spark of hope in my chest shrivel like a wilted flower and die. This was not what I wanted, not at all.

“Please,” I repeated uselessly. “Please, mother.”

“Prince Ying-feng will join you in your palanquin after the ceremony,” she continued coldly, ignoring me. “He will formally propose to you then.” I felt a hand jerk my chin up sharply. I was forced to look up and meet her gaze. She crouched down to be at an eye level with me, her eyes narrowed with a barely concealed threat. “If you do not accept his offer with all the grace and humility befitting of a princess of your status, the consequences will be severe.” Her eyes were dark but they burned with an intensity like a raging flame. She was not bluffing. “You will marry Prince Ying-feng regardless, but things will become infinitely more difficult for you.”

She let go of my face and stood tall, tucking her hands back into her sleeves as if nothing had changed. I caught myself on my elbows. I felt numb, heartbroken. I understood that there was absolutely nothing I could do. Just like that, my fate was sealed.

My mother was impervious to my anguish, to my tears. She cast an impatient glance down at me. “Now stand up, Su-min” she commanded me sharply. “It is time for the ceremony to begin.”