The water on my forehead and the icepack resting on my thigh was the only thing grounding me to reality, a dull ache was starting up as water dripped from the icepack and onto my skin. I had a hand on the back of Eric's head as he kept a tight grip on the icepack, pressing it further down in his surprise, unmoving as my lips touched his. I pulled back after that, wanting to know what was going through his mind in that moment when he let go of the icepack and pulled me back in for another kiss, hands holding my face as I gaped at him before my eyes fluttered closed. Slowly easing back down onto the bed Eric moaned against my lips as I moved to straddle him, the icepack hitting the floor with a thump.

Growing hungry as a certain desperation- a need to be closer- overcame us and I pulled back to rip my shirt off, Eric taking it as an opportunity to remove his own before I began to explore him. I should have known  something was off when he didn't shy away and welcomed my touch, brown eyes holding mine as I palmed him.

I snapped my eyes open only to find myself lying be alone and in a cold sweat. Slowly I pulled up the covers only to groan at the sight I was greeted with. The dream started to fade from my mind as memories of the day before came flooding back and suddenly I was hit with a sense of embarrassment.

Eric never kissed me back. He never ran his fingers through my hair and begged for me. He never whispered my name against my lips. He never even said goodbye when he stumbled out of the house, he just gawked at me, mouth open as he tried to think of the words before leaving. He left me alone to my thoughts.

God that's so depressing. I was gonna just jerk off but it feels wrong for some reason. I thought he knew. I thought he felt the same way. For fucks sake I've been flirting with him for like weeks now. Finding any excuse to touch him. Making innuendos. Licking my lips a little too much. The worst part would have to be knowing that I didn't have anybody to talk to about this. I mean I can't tell Damon that I fucked up, he'd call me a dumbass. I mean I am but I'm not in the laugh it off stage where I can just sit there and get called a dumbass.

Then there was Dad. Oh dear God I can't tell Dad. He'll freak. Who wouldn't, you just found out your son was gay and tried to kiss his best friend. Eric's not homophobic, he's a pretty open-minded person but that doesn't mean he's not disgusted by me. Oh God what if he thinks I'm disgusting, or thinks I'm sick.

Hyperventilating I look down at myself again. Well I'm not in the mood anymore since I'm in here scaring the shit out of myself. Getting up I threw some clothes on. Rushing down stairs I grabbed the house phone. If he answers then I'll try to play it cool, like nothing happened. But if he answers and says anything about it I'll... I'll...

"Hello? Who's this?" Eric's voice filled my ear. He knows who this is. He knows this number by heart.

"It's me. Hey look, I was wondering if maybe you'd wanna come over and play videogames again, we didn't get to play that new basketball game my Dad got cause we were too busy dressing my wounds and stuff," I said. Just play it cool Vincent, just play it cool.

"Uh..." A long pause. A pause so long I couldn't help but wonder what was going through his mind as my own raced with doubt and self deprecating comments about how stupid I am.

"It's fine if you don't want to, I mean that was out of line and I know and I was hoping I could apologize and pretend like nothing happened." Eric didn't forget easy but I usually get special privileges. I mean he's like a brother to me. Now it sounds wrong cause I literally just had a wet dream about the guy but you know what mean.

He and I have been best friends since forever and when I thought that maybe something was wrong with me... I mean I never joined in when the guys would talk girls, I never had a crush on any of my female classmates that I can remember, and that time back in sixth grade when Jenny Palmer kissed me under the stairs at her brother's birthday party I didn't feel anything, not even the tiniest sliver of attraction just confusion and disgust but I was mostly disgusted cause after we pulled back I noticed sometimes stuck in her teeth. But then Schuyler happened and his hand brushed against mine last year while trying to pick up a paper and I couldn't even work up the nerve to explain to Jenny that I just didn't feel that way about her before she finally broke up with me herself but Schuyler barely says three words to me and suddenly I have a hard on in the middle of class. I told Eric about all of it, not the Schuyler thing cause that's embarrassing plus the guy hates me, but Eric was the first person I ever told about all of that.

"No it's cool, I kinda wanted to talk to you anyway I just didn't know how to go about it and I've been trying to call but... Toby why'd you do it?"

"Because I like you."

"... O...okay."

***

Eli didn't say anything to me when I left and I was glad. He's been pretty pissed these past few days and he's pushed me into the wall or the couch or anything else nearby a few times out of anger whenever he passed me. It was infuriating but I didn't want to have to deal with a fight so when Toby called I readily agreed to see him. I mean not cause I like him... He's my friend and he probably didn't even mean it. When he told me about how he was questioning his sexuality I didn't think he was saying it as like a hint but now that I think about it he was clearly flirting with me. He was doing that weird thing he always does where he licks his lips before smiling at you way too much. God I should have known.

Sighing I knocked on the door, already sweating from the summer heat. Toby opened the door too fast for him to not be nervous and I didn't blame him. How could he not be after what he'd done yesterday.

"Hi," I said, giving him a small wave once I stepped through the doorway.

"Uh, you came," he said back, glancing around the room like he was afraid the house suddenly wasn't up to par.

Following his gaze I asked, "Um, is your dad home?"

Why was he looking at me like that? Toby was studying me it felt like, staring at my lips a little too long or holding awkward eye contact. Maybe... Toby was a cool guy, we've known each other since forever, our dad's used to be pack brothers. There's some comfort in knowing that of all the people I could have given my first kiss it was somebody who knew me so well but I didn't think it'd be like this. I don't like guys though to be fair I never pay the girls much attention either. I don't like the idea of being so vulnerable with anyone and I have better things to worry about than whether this person likes me or not. And yet here I was, asking if Gale was out cause a part of me liked the way Toby kept licking his lips every time he glanced down at me.

"No, he left earlier to go for a run at the rec center so he won't be back for another two hours," Toby said, taking a step forward.

"Well that's cool." I nodded, biting my bottom lip before inhaling.

Toby smiled at me before closing the distance and suddenly his fingers were in my hair and mine were gripping his waist. The back of my head hit the door but I didn't care. This was the first time I'd ever been kissed like this, had someone want me this badly, felt another guy pressing into my thigh and it took me a second to realize it but maybe I hadn't been oblivious but actively ignoring his flirty banter cause I didn't want things to change between us but I wasn't opposed to the idea of an us. In fact, I liked us.

Pulling back Toby looked at me, face flushed as he spoke. "Um... You wanna go and uh play that game or whatever?"

"Is that flirting or are you serious?" I laughed, breath hitching when he gives me that smile.

"A little bit of both," he sighed, leaning into me again, breathing me in as I stood still, back against the door.

“Hey, Toby,” I started, biting my bottom lip, “I didn't mean to freak out on you yesterday. I just ran away and like, you didn't deserve that. I was just scared I might say the wrong thing.”

“You don't have to apologize, I was the one who kissed you out of nowhere-”

“Cause I was sending mixed signals. I know you've liked me for a while now… I don't want things to change between us.”

“Nothing's changed. We're still friends, just friends who kiss, maybe a little more than that-”

“Don't push it,” I snorted, raising a brow at him.

Nodding his head Toby stepped away from me, going over towards the tv where his system was still plugged into the tv. “Do you wanna just play the game?”

Plopping down onto the couch I laid back before raising a brow at him again. “What else is there to do?”

“We could…” giving me a controller he sat a hand on my thigh, “make out.”

Giving him a look I shook my head.

“I'm just joking. We don't have to, unless you want to.”

“You really want to don't you?”

“Hell yeah, I’m home alone with a guy I like. I just wanted a moment with you to myself. Your lips are just so soft and the way you held onto my waist and just looking at you- I should stop cause I probably sound like an idiot-”

Letting the controller fall I grabbed a hold of his face. Toby quickly eased back down onto the couch. I don't know what possessed me but I did know that my entire body was on fire and that the house was empty save for us and the sense of desperation that had Toby growling when he couldn't get his shirt over his head fast enough.

“I thought you didn't like me,” Toby said out of nowhere, helping me yank my shirt off as I moved to let him straddle realizing I liked it better when I was the one looking up.

“When did I say I didn't?"

"When you ran away."

Why did that hurt so much, hearing him say it in such a soft voice with his eyes holding mine the way they were? Relaxing into the couch cushion I inhaled, reaching up to pull him down towards me.

"Well I'm here now. Can we just sit here and hold each other?"

Sighing Toby nodded his head, laying down with his cheek against my chest and curling up around me. "Yeah, we can hold each other. Let's just... We can just stay like this for a little while. Eric."

"Yeah?"

"You're really warm."

"Uh thanks...?"

"Just shut up and hold me closer, I'm sleepy."