June 15, 2017

The visits to the doctor were becoming routine and less stressful to both Flora and Kiran. The baby was active most of the day, especially when Kiran would lay in bed with his wife to talk to the baby, so they knew it was still alive. That was the important part. They could handle any deformity, any birth defect, anything at all so long as their baby was alive.

“Flora Thompson,” the nurse called into the waiting room. The couple stood and fell into their usual pace, exchanging pleasantries with the nurse as they made their way to the same room Doctor Murphy gave them the first image of their baby. Flora donned the scrubs waiting for her. Kiran held her hand as usual while she lay on the table.

“Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?” Flora asked.

“A baby,” Kiran chuckled. “You know I’ll be happy no matter what.”

“Well, of course, but…”

“I know.” Kiran sighed. They were given a picture of their first child, Rebecca, the day they learned they would have a daughter. If this child could survive another week it’d be a wonderful record. “If I had to choose, I think I’d want a son. You?”

“Same.”

Doctor Murphy, the plump gray-haired angel from their last visit, knocked on the door before appearing with a broad smile. “Good morning, Mister and Misses Thompson.” She washed her hands, pulled on latex-free gloves, then sat at the monitor. “Do you want to know the gender of the baby? Or do you want to be surprised?”

“We want to know,” Kiran said.

“The suspense would probably kill us,” Flora added.

“I can understand that. I was the same way with my first born, but by my fourth I just didn’t want to know anymore.”

“How many kids do you have?” Flora watched Doctor Murphy put towels around her belly to protect her clothing tucking the gown under her bust so she could have as much access to Flora’s belly as she needed.

“Six. We were going to stop at three, but that didn’t quite work out,” the doctor chuckled before she settled back into the seat. “Alrighty. I’ll need to take a few pictures, a few measurements—that will help us know how far along you really are, then the big reveal at the end. Let’s get started.”

As before, Doctor Murphy squirted a small mound of gel on Flora’s stomach using the ultrasound wand to spread it around. Unlike last time, the monitor above them was turned on so they could see the pictures, the words typed into the computer and the measurements as Doctor Murphy worked. They saw their baby’s profile.

“You’re having a boy,” Doctor Murphy said plainly. “He’s doing really good, too. Of course, your doctor will call you if she sees something concerning, but right now he’s fine. Everything looks really good. I’ll print a couple pictures out for you to take home. They’ll be up front.” She kept moving the wand around.

“Thank you very much,” Flora said. Kiran squeezed her hand.

“You’re welcome.”

Several minutes passed before she discarded the gloves, leaving the couple to bask in their happiness.

Kiran was the first to move, grabbing hold of the small towels protecting Flora’s clothes to clean the gel. He needed this. She enjoyed it.

“We’re going to have a son.” Flora said.

“It’s still hard to believe. Not only are we having a baby, but we’re having a boy. Sometimes, I get worried the rug will get pulled out from under us, you know?”

“Of course I know. I feel the same way. Before I could feel him move there were times I could forget I was pregnant. But now that I feel him move and we’ve seen his face—his face! Kiran, he looks like you! Our son looks like you. You look like your dad, too.” Flora stared up at him in awe.

Kiran’s father, Vincent, was his hero. He was a humble history teacher at Tillamook High School who cared about everyone. Troubled students came to him for advice; colleagues and friends sought his help in the community to make life better for everyone. He was active in church. He was the biggest supporter of their relationship. And then he was gone. Kiran’s biggest hero, the man who made Kiran into the wonderful man he was now was just gone.

“I love you, Kiran.”

“I love you, too.”

Kiran gazed down at her bringing a hand to her cheek, his thumb rubbing across her skin. Flora’s cheeks flushed a deep red as goosebumps rose along her arms. For the first time in five months, Kiran lowered his face close to hers, letting his lips capture her own for just a moment. His mouth pulled from hers briefly, his eyes opening just enough to clearly see her. But when she tried to kiss him back, Kiran stood to retrieve her clothing like nothing happened.

Flora stepped into their home frustrated as Kiran took off back to the shop. Kiran insisted on being there to find out the gender of the baby. And he insisted on finally showing some affection in the doctor’s office but then he pretended it didn’t happen.

Flora’s frustration toward Kiran was nothing compared to the frustration with herself. Over a month ago, she slept with another man—her good friend’s husband no less! How on Earth could she possibly sleep next to her husband at night like everything was fine? How could she be frustrated with Kiran for pretending everything was fine when she was doing the same thing?

That was just the tip of her obsessive thinking. What did it mean? Did it have meaning? Should she ask Damian? Or was she just making something of nothing? Was this supposed to just be a one night stand? How was she supposed to know? If it wasn’t a one-night stand would she want to have a relationship with Damian? It would hurt Kiran—and ruin their marriage—if he ever found out she was having an affair. Same for Susan. Was their connection worth the possibility? What if their son found out about such an indiscretion in the future? Could Kiran ever forgive a one-night stand—could she forgive herself?—or did that even matter?

“I don’t understand,” Flora muttered. “Why did I do that? How could I do that? What the hell is wrong with me?”

When Flora was alone, she would think about her first, and only, one-night stand. The tears would sting at her eyes until she finally let them fall. Late at night, she would bite the corner of the throw pillows to stifle her cries until she ran out of tears. But not even once did she wish to take it back. There were no regrets whatsoever. Somehow, in some hormone-drenched corner of her mind, it wasn’t a mistake. It couldn’t be. She didn’t want it to be.

“Do you really want this?”

Flora sighed scrubbing the tears from her face with the back of her hand. Lunch was barely finished when the doorbell rang.

“That’s…weird.” Being home alone often brought anxiety—in the form of what-if scenarios—to the forefront of her mind. Watching so many horror movies didn’t help.

Flora was she only slightly unsurprised to see Damian on her doorstep.

“What do you want, Damian?” She called through the door as menacing as she could manage.

“I want to talk to you. Please?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Are you kidding me?” Damian paused. “If you don’t at least open the door, I’ll just start yelling what I have to say—”

Flora flung the door open scowling at him. “What.”

“May I please come inside so we can talk?” Damian’s voice was soft and gentle.

“I don’t want to talk to you, Damian.”

“Why are you so pissed off at me?”

“I’m not.”

“Oh, yeah, that tone doesn’t scream ‘I’m-pissed-leave-me-alone’,” Damian rolled his eyes.

“Damian, I’m not mad at you at all. Okay? Just go.”

Flora tried to close the door, but Damian put his braced his forearm against it. For a moment, he simply stared at her, trying to read the small creases written on her face. “Flora…are you upset it was a one-time thing?”

Flora’s words said, “No, I’m not mad at all,” but the tears welling up in her eyes betrayed her. “Just go.”

Damian reached forward wrapping his arm around her shoulders to pull her close. Flora didn’t fight it. The tears started in full force as soon as her face touched his chest.

“This is why I want to talk about it. I knew if I was thinking so much about it, you must be, too. Can I please come in?”

Wiping the tears from her face Flora nodded. They sat on the couch in the family room together, as they did when Heinrick interrupted them. Simpler times, right?

“Damian, I’ve lived my whole adult life so far being with one person, and one person only. And…I guess…I never thought I’d be in this situation. When I consider the fact we’ve both admitted believing in having some other life together…I don’t know. There’s a part of me that wants to keep seeing you. But then there’s part of me that doesn’t. On the one hand, I’m so lonely I’m starting to not care about hurting Kiran. But I’m also going to be a mom soon so even if we kept seeing each other it could never last. I would just be using you.”

“We’d be using each other. Susan isn’t even giving me the time of day at this point, so I’m with you on the loneliness point. And I would never ask you to leave Kiran. But we obviously feel something for each other. I haven’t felt like this is a long time…I don’t want that to stop yet.”

“When the baby is born that part of our relationship would have to end. I just don’t see how we could go back to being friends.” Flora muttered.

“So, if we keep seeing each other…when the baby’s born we have to break up and never see each other again? Even as friends?”

Flora nodded. “Yes.”

They sat together on the couch thinking it over for almost thirty full minutes.

“What if they find out and they both want divorces? Would we still break up?”

“I don’t know.” Flora studied Damian’s face. “I wouldn’t know until we got there.”

Damian sat forward resting his elbows on his knees. “What do you want to do then? See each other and break up in three-and-a-half months? Or break things off now?”

Flora was going to say something, but stifled it. All she wanted was an easy answer, but it wasn’t easy at all. She didn’t want to be alone, but she didn’t want to lose Damian as a friend, either, now or in the future. Even if they were incredibly careful with how they acted to prevent suspicion, could they keep being friends? Was there any way that could happen?

“If my opinion counts,” Damian said, “I want to keep seeing you. Even knowing it’ll end forever in a few months.”

“Damian…” Flora’s voice trailed off.

“Do you want me to leave?” Damian asked in her ear.

“No,” she whispered.

“So you want me to stay? Keep seeing you?”

“Yes,” Flora whimpered. “Even if it’ll end in a few months, I want you to stay. I want you.”

The part of her that wanted Damian to leave was smothered by the part of her that was desperate for affection. Even knowing they would break up in a few months, she felt a little ray of hope to stifle the loneliness.

Damian laced his fingers between Flora’s giving a small squeeze.

“It’s never bad to know what I want, right?” Flora asked.

“Never,” Damian said.

Flora smiled as she stood pulling Damian along. They climbed the staircase hand-in-hand stopping short of the bedroom door. Never in her life did Flora ever imagine bringing another man to her bed. Damian reached past her to open the door as he kissed her neck.

They shed clothes in the few steps to the bed. They came together. They lay together breathless. Somewhere in Flora’s mind was a voice that told her, This is good; it’s fine. And she believed it.

Flora believed because she wanted to believe.

They put the dirty sheets in the washer before redressing. It was just past two o’clock now.

“I should go. We should try to find a good way to communicate so Susan and Kiran don’t find out.”

“That’s a good idea.” Flora walked him to the door. “We’ll see each other soon, right?”

“Definitely.”

With a smile, Flora kissed his lips before watching Damian drive down the street out of view.