May 20, 2017

The clock on the dashboard read a quarter to six when Kiran and Flora pulled into the driveway of the Eveson residence. Flora was happy to let her friend throw a party for them now that the reality of parenthood was more solid. A rapid, steady heartbeat worked wonders for Flora’s outlook, even if her depression hadn’t quite subsided.

“Kiran?” Flora placed a hand on his arm to stop him. “I know things have been a lot harder since this pregnancy began; I haven’t been making life any easier. So tonight, let’s not talk about business. Let’s just enjoy ourselves with our friends. And since I can’t drink, you’ll have to drink for two tonight.”

Kiran chuckled for the first time in over a month kissing the back of her hand. “Thank you. I will do my best.”

“Good.”

Kiran led the way along the sidewalk to the front door.

Before they could even ring the doorbell, Susan opened it as a cacophony of celebration erupted behind her. “There you are! I’m so glad you’re both here!” Susan embraced her friends in turn before ushering them inside.

Flora recognized most of the people attending, with a dash of close friends of Susan and Damian. Josey and Michael both greeted her—it was still surprising that they were dating, but they were happy so Flora was happy. Bridget managed to make an appearance. Flora was especially pleased to see Heinrick give Kiran a “big brother hug”, too.

Damian wove his way through the throng to pass drinks to the happy couple. “Rum and Coke to start for Kiran and ginger ale for Flora,” he said. “Glad you guys could make it.”

“Of course we made it,” Kiran raised his glass. “Free booze and good company usually get us out of the house for an evening.”

“Free booze for you while I gush about babies. Sounds about right.” Flora said.

Susan chuckled, leading the way to the large family room where most of the guests were gathered. “Hey everyone!” she started. “Flora and Kiran are finally here, so while they’re getting some food and relaxing, we’re going to start off with a very simple game. I’ll be coming around with a bag of small plastic clothespins-everyone will have one to start. Anytime someone says the word ‘baby’ that person loses a clothespin. The person with the most clothespins will win a special prize.

“On the wall in the entryway, we’re also having a contest to guess when Flora will have the baby. The person with the closest guess—without going over—will win a prize, too. We have lots of food, lots of alcohol and other drinks, so enjoy yourself and have lots of fun.”

“She’s really thought of everything, hasn’t she?” Flora said.

“She really has,” Kiran agreed.

Damian nodded before finishing off his drink. “Susan loves parties and she’s been really excited for the baby shower. You’d never know she avoids babies like the plague.”

“I heard that,” Susan emerged from the crowd with the bag of clothespins. “I’ll have mercy on you since you didn’t have your clothespin.”

“So wonderful.” Damian kissed her cheek securing his clothespin.

The baby shower continued as well as Kiran and Flora could have imagined. They chatted with their friends and avoided saying “the word” to keep their clothespins. They ate, they drank—Kiran did at least—and they opened gifts. The house was nearly empty by ten o’clock.

Kiran and Susan continued to drink until Susan nearly passed out; Kiran was laughing at nothing at all. He didn’t have that much to drink since his father’s death. Refreshing, yet concerning at the same time.

“Okay, buddy, it’s off to bed with you,” Damian said pulling Kiran’s glass from his hands. “You’re both just going to stay here tonight, alright?”

“It’s probably for the best.” Flora said.

Damian helped Kiran to the guest room after he finished putting Susan to bed. All the while, Flora sat on the couch running her hands over her growing belly.

Flora was content.

Damian’s weight dropping like lead into the seat beside her brought Flora’s focus back. A deep sigh slid through his lips as he rubbed his face with his hands.

“It was a great party,” Flora said.

Damian chuckled. “Thanks. You should tell Susan that, though. I only bought the booze.”

“Kiran hasn’t been that drunk in fifteen years. I’m sure, after the massive hangover, he’ll thank you.”

“Damn.”

They sat in silence until it was uncomfortable. “You and Susan seem better. Does she still want to move?”

“Of course she does. But we’ve come to a compromise: we’ll wait a year and see how she feels. I’m hoping to send her on a few trips home so she’ll want to stay here and just visit a lot. Fingers crossed.”

“I hope it works out for you.” Flora flashed a smile. “I would hate to have you both move back.”

“You’d only be losing one friend.” Damian relaxed a little more into the couch. “I’m glad there’s a heartbeat there,” he nodded to her belly.

“A heartbeat and a picture. Turns out its just in that right spot to not hear anything.”

“Do you know the gender yet?”

Flora smiled broadly shaking her head. “No, not yet. It’s still too early. That’s around twenty weeks and we’re just about done with the fifteenth week.”

“Not too much longer, then.”

“Not at all.”

“Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?”

“Um…I think a boy would be nice.” Flora’s smile faded. “We sort of already had a girl. Almost.”

“I’m so sorry.” Damian touched her hand for a moment before retracting it.

“Oh, it’s okay. Really, it is. My biggest fear is that…if we have a daughter I’ll be…resentful. But, like all Moms, I just want a healthy baby.”

“Well, of course. Random question: do you feel it moving around ever? Or is that later, too?”

“I feel it a little bit. It’s like butterflies in your stomach.”

Damian nodded, chuckling to himself. The silence filled the space between them once again. Flora hated the silence because it often grew to be uncomfortable. Perhaps she was just an awkward-silence-type-person?

“I’m sorry, Damian,” Flora said.

“For what?” He raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve been avoiding you. Ever since…you know.” She shrugged. “Did you tell Susan?”

“No,” Damian said with a small smile before looking into his hands. “Does Kiran know?”

Flora’s smile faltered. Part of her hated the answer. “No, he doesn’t.”

“I figured. He was too friendly.”

“Yeah.” Flora’s hands stopped their graceful dancing, letting her child move at its leisure.

“I don’t blame you for not saying anything, and I can’t say I didn’t play a part in our make-out session.”

“But I shouldn’t have kissed you; I should have told Kiran immediately."

“Do you regret kissing me?”

Flora opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came. Speaking honestly, she didn’t think about their kiss that way—as something to regret. It was pleasant; she liked it. Sometimes she daydreamed about it, not that she would really admit that to anyone. It was just something she enjoyed in the moment. The smallest part of her wanted more, even if she would never get it.

“I don’t know.” She decided. “Maybe it’s because I’m pregnant or something, but…I can’t say, ‘if I could do it again I’d choose differently’ or anything. Kiran hasn’t held my hand longer than a minute since before I got pregnant; we haven‘t kissed in months. I just never thought I’d be the type to kiss another man—who’s also married—just as I never thought Kiran would stop touching me. I know he’s scared, but I’d rather feel connected to him while grieving a child than being pregnant and feeling alone.” Flora’s hands resumed their movement as if it could take back her words. “I shouldn’t have said that,” she whispered shaking her head. “I didn’t mean that.”

Silence punctuated by the ticking of the clock dominated the room for a long time.

“You have every right to be honest with yourself, Flora. You have every right to want your husband to shower you with affection and love, especially when you're pregnant."

"But I have no right to look for that affection with others, especially a married man.”

"I kissed you back anyway.” The memory made Flora shiver. If she tried hard enough she could summon the memory of his hands on her body.

"Do you regret it?" Flora asked.

"Not even a little bit." Damian said. “Please don’t think you’re the only one at fault. To some extent, it sounds like we used each other for the same exact thing.”

“I suppose that’s true.” Flora sighed deeply, nodding slightly. It wouldn’t be easy, but she could forgive herself for the indiscretion; they could move on. Damian’s hand slid firm down her back soothing her; Flora scooted closer. “Are we bad people then?”

“It’s never bad to know what you want.”

“You really think so?” Flora turned to face Damian more.

“Absolutely.”

Flora leaned in to kiss Damian’s lips. He gave no protest to her advance, no attempt to push her away. Instead he kissed her back, wrapping his arms around her. It had been too long since she felt that! She broke away from their kiss only long enough to straddle his lap. Her hands explored the feeling of his chest just under the silky fabric of his shirt, coming to rest at his sides near his hips.

Damian's hands explored the curves of her body sending another shiver down her spine. A low moan sounded from her throat when she pulled away from his lips. Her cheeks were flushed bright red as she buried her face into Damian's shoulder.

"Sorry," Damian whispered. "I shouldn't tease you."

Flora nibbled his neck, relishing the tenderness of his skin. Her attention-starved body ached for more. Her trembling fingers worked the buttons of his shirt; his hands slid under her blouse.

"Do you really want this?" Damian asked, stopping Flora.

With a coy smile, Flora pushed away from Damian’s lap, taking one step away from him. She turned her back to him, pulling her blouse over her head, tossing it aside. The clasps of the lacy green bra standing in contrast to her ghostly skin were easily undone.

It, too, was discarded.

But Flora’s hands covered her breasts as she turned to face her host. His eyes reflected the desperate longing in her own, his body betraying his cool facade.

“Can you unbutton me? My hands are full.”

Damian chuckled soft as he scooted to the edge of the couch taking time to study her body from her face to the growing bump of her baby. Looping his fingers through the belt loops of her pants, Damian kissed her belly. Another kiss a little lower. A little lower…

The button popped free with ease. The fabric slid down her legs without resistance until they bunched around her ankles with the matching undies she so thoughtfully picked out. One leg was free; the other was freed with a small kick to the right, sending her clothes away. Damian stood to kiss Flora one more time, unbuttoning his shirt while her fingers worked his belt and pants.

Their clothes were discarded in a heap somewhere in the distance, forgotten. They were naked together on the couch. Flora could not remember the last time this much excitement coursed through her body, though the image of Damian conquering her body one kiss at a time easily overpowered her mind. The warmth of his chest against her own made her heart pound in her chest so hard she was sure he could hear it, too. Their hips moved in tandem as they kissed each other deeply to stifle their moans. It was as if all the stresses simply melted away, one thrust at a time until pleasure gave way to divine orgasm and they lay breathless listening for signs of disturbance.

Damian kissed Flora deep one final time. "One quick sec," Damian said before retrieving his shirt to clean up the mess. "Kiran's sleeping in the room to the right of the stairs. The bathroom is the door before that. You can drop the shirt in the hamper."

"Thank you," Flora said. They sat on the couch in silence for a moment. Flora wasn't at all sure what say in a situation like this. In all of her life, she was only with one man. Things like this were far beyond what she imagined possible for herself.

“Flora?” Damian closed his mouth after a moment. “Never mind. Good night.” Damian headed off towards the stairs, scooping his pants up as he went, leaving Flora alone in the dark.

“I’m so stupid,” she muttered, pushing her fists against her eyes to stop the tears. It didn’t work. “I’m so fucking stupid…”

Flora’s legs were shaky, but they supported her weight when she stood to scoop her clothes up. She didn’t bother to turn the light on in the bathroom since her eyes were adjusted to the dark but she sat on the toilet for a very long time. It could have been only a few moments, it could have been hours. All she knew was it was long enough for her legs to tingle, her feet to fall asleep and the tears to dry on her face.

With a heavy sigh, Flora walked the few paces to the guest room; to her husband. If Damian put his friend—a term she always suspected he used ironically, sarcastically or very, very loosely—to bed like Flora would have there was no evidence of it. Kiran slept sprawled all over the bed on his back fully clothed, including his shoes. One pillow was on the floor across the room and the other was beside his face with a small spot of drool forming. Kiran rarely slept so deep. Flora could sound a bullhorn in his ear and he wouldn’t flinch.

Flora removed his shoes. She removed his socks and his belt, too, setting them all aside as neatly as she could. With a pillow in hand, Flora lay beside her husband, studying him as he slept.

What have I done?