March 2, 2017

Two minutes was a long time to wait. The test was resting on the bathroom counter. Kiran sat on the edge of the bed with his head bowed against his interlaced fingers. He could be praying. But what could he pray for? Flora didn’t want to see the bathroom at all, so she laid flat on the bed with her knees bent. Her eyes moved around the ceiling and the room to keep her mind occupied.

Their shop was over three years old when they took the chance on a house. They had been homeowners for a little over a year now. There was a large kitchen, dining room, half-bathroom, living room and family room on the first floor, connecting to a double garage. Two bedrooms—one of which they converted into an office—a full bathroom, and laundry room comprised the top level. Pictures hung from the walls reflecting their sixteen years together. Graduation pictures, date nights, family photos, vacation photos. Kiran and Flora both grew up as single children, but they had large extended families and huge social circles so their walls were decorated with small tokens of those who touched their lives. Their furniture was as simple as they could make it. Everything went into the store, so the decorations and furnishings at home were sparse. It worked for them.

Kiran’s alarm chirped. “Time’s up.” Flora didn’t move. As long as they didn’t go into the bathroom they could be happy. They could be ignorant. Ignorance was bliss as they said. “Do you want to get it? Or me?”

“You.” Flora’s voice was just shy of a whisper. How Kiran heard it was beyond her. With a deep breath Kiran forced himself to stand. Flora didn’t need to look; the long pause between his steps crossing the room and his breath being released told Flora everything she needed to know.

Positive.

There was only one scare so far over the first few months of their new marriage. In October, they thought she was pregnant, but it came back negative three times. They were so relieved! Even though Flora had a nasty cold that week, it was one of the best week of their lives.

Not that Flora didn’t want children. Oh, how she want them! Her body kept rejecting them. During one very painful year they miscarried three children. It was agonizing. One moment they were in bliss and the next…It was too painful to think about almost two full years later. Flora knew they would carry this burden their entire lives.

It was happening again.

Flora’s heart sank. Tears flowed down the bridge of her nose soaking into her pillow. She was lying on her side stifling her cries. Her knees curled up to her chest.

The bed sank under Kiran’s weight as he lay behind her. He pulled the blanket up to cover them wrapping an arm around her. They both knew she had a league of tears to cry before she would be okay again. Their grief cycle would begin again: Kiran would start chain smoking and working as much as he could. They would drink together. And wallow. And pity each other. Then one day, the tears would stop, they would find a project to work on together, and the drinking and smoking would slow until they were back to “normal.”

“Flora,” Kiran’s voice was tender, “I love you. I love you so very much.”

“I love you, too,” Flora said flatly.

“Are you going to be okay?”

“No.” Her voice was sharp; brittle. “I…I hate this. We’ve lost three kids already, Kiran.”

“I know that.”

“Then you know I will never be fine.”

“But this time might—”

“Might  what, Kiran?” Flora rolled from the bed, putting distance between them. “’Might’ be different? ‘Might’ be the one? Then what the hell were the others!?”

“Stop it, Flora! Right now! You aren’t going to talk to me like this!”

“And you aren’t going to talk to me like it’s all sunshine and roses around here, because it’s not! It won’t be!” Flora stormed out of the room. It was becoming real again. She didn’t want to talk or think about or even entertain the idea a child was growing inside her and had been for the last few weeks. “I have to get out of here.”

“Flora, wait!” Kiran followed her downstairs. “Please don’t leave. I really think we need to talk about this.”

“I don’t! I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even want to think about it, Kiran!” The tears welled up in her eyes again. They were forming in Kiran’s eyes, too, but she didn’t care.

May as well have been his fault.

“Then will you humor me for a moment before you storm out of here?”

“What do you want to do?”

“Just answer yes or no. Will you or won’t you?”

Flora sighed rolling her eyes. “Fine.”

Taking her hand without the anger swarming his eyes, Kiran lead his wife to the couch in the family room. At first he said nothing. He intertwined his fingers with hers. “I know this will be hard on you. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. But something is different. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like, somehow, this will be the one that survives. And that’s how we have to think right now. We’ll give up smoking, you’ll start prenatal‘s, and we’ll go see the doctor.”

“I don’t feel any different. I just feel sick and scared and—”

“I know.” Kiran sighed. “Do you remember when I was planning for college? I would move to Portland, somehow find a job, find a place to live and get my degree with no debt. Do you remember what you said?”

“No.”

“’If you ever feel lost, just pray.’ Any time I said something negative, you would tell me to pray. And it was frustrating you know? Your family was religious. Mine wasn’t—still isn’t. I never prayed, but I know you always did. And it was annoying. But I moved to Portland, found a job, found a place to live, and graduated with little debt.

“And when we lost our first baby, you did the same thing. You just prayed. You have this incredibly faith. You prayed and moved on and you did it two more times, too. I know you were at the end of your rope, but you always made that look so maddeningly easy.”

A faint smile came to Flora’s lips. “I was raised that way, you know that. But I don’t think I have as much faith as I used to. How can I keep praying to someone who has taken so much from us? How can I have faith that there’s a God who loves us when He keeps causing so much pain?”

“Because you were raised that way. What do we have to lose by praying?”

Flora turned to study Kiran’s face. His expression was more serious than she saw before. They were always so casual around each other. Playful. The seriousness reminded her of Kiran’s father back before he passed away.

“Come on,” Kiran motioned for her to come down to the floor on her knees with him. Another new thing. Kiran rarely prayed. And when he did, it was never on his knees. Kiran folded his arms across his chest, waiting for Flora to do the same before he bowed his head, and closed his eyes.

“We thank You, Lord, for the blessings in our lives. We thank You for our business’s success, for our home, and the strength our marriage has. We thank You for all of our many wonderful friends. Please, let this child live to bless our lives. If this child will not survive…Please give us both the strength to endure the pain of loss again. We ask for guidance so we know how to prepare ourselves for the months ahead. These things we say, knowing they’re given only in Your wisdom, in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.”

“Amen.”

Though Flora and Kiran both opened their eyes and looked at each other, neither said anything nor did they move. The silence that fell between them was peaceful.

“When did you get…religious?” Flora asked.

Kiran smiled. “A few months before we got married.” He sat cross-legged on the floor. “It’s always been important to you. And you’re the most important person to me so I decided I should try.”

“Is that why you planned our spontaneous wedding?”

“Somewhat. I’d say seventy percent that. The rest being we paid for the marriage license and it’d make no sense to let it go to waste.”

“Of course,” Flora mustered a chuckle. “I’m so sorry, Kiran, for what I said before. I know it was hard for you, too. I shouldn’t make it any harder now. You have always put up with me, from my hyper-religious family to dragging you to church with me so I wouldn’t be alone; you put up with everything. And I always thought I had this rock-solid foundational faith, but it feels like it’s not there anymore. You know? Like one day I woke up only thinking I had faith.“

“Then just put your faith in me. Trust me.”

“I do trust you.”

“Good. Just let me lead the way. Everything else will follow.” Kiran scooted close, cupping her face with his hands to wipe the tears away. “I love you.”

Kiran kissed her lips. His hands trailed to her shoulders, his arms wrapping around her. He pressed his body into hers, holding her as close as he could. Flora wanted to pull away, cry and wallow in an endless cycle, but he wouldn’t let her. He held her a little tighter, kissed her a little deeper and whispered declarations of love into her ear until the despair lifted again.

Flora wrapped her arms around him, clutching to him like he would vanish if she didn’t. She was already on a roller coaster of emotions. She wanted to cry one moment and take him to their bed the next. They stifled her sobs with kisses until Flora was certain that, for now, she would be okay. Kiran had a plan. She would let him carry their burdens as they navigated this world together.

Flora’s alarm chimed for a moment before Kiran dug his hand into her coat pocket to silence it. “Is that the ‘we have to go to work’ alarm?” He breathed.

“Mm-hm.”

“We were taking today off.”

“I forgot to turn it off.”

Kiran broke away from their kisses, letting enough space to come between them to look into her eyes. “I love you so much, Flora. We can’t let this be like the past. We can’t just treat it like we’ve already lost it.”

“I know,” Flora nodded once. “I’m not going to be okay, Kiran. I’m just not. I’m terrified. I don’t want to feel any of that pain again. But,” she let out a breath, “I will try my best with what I can control. That’s all I can promise right now.”

“Good.” Kiran kissed her forehead before standing to help her up. “I need to get dressed. Please, call your doctor, then you can have your alone time.” He ran up the stairs two at a time vanishing into their room.

Once his back turned, Flora’s smile faded. "Just do your best until it happens,” she muttered as she sighed. “Just pretend nothing is wrong. And when it happens, you can go on vacation.” With a determined nod at her own pep talk, Flora called her doctor to schedule the first appointment.

Flora stared at the floor of her doctor’s exam room. This was the same room she waited in before when she learned the heartbreaking news. She just hadn‘t known it. The pastel blue on the upper half of the walls almost helped. There was a mobile above the exam bed she lost interest in. There was a small table for a computer with a chair for the doctor. In the far corner of the room was a cart full of whatever contraptions the doctor would need.

Alone in this room without her husband, Flora sighed. The doctor knocked on the door before she entered. Doctor Sonya, Flora’s doctor for the last eight years, was a wonderful woman in her early fifties. She was always considerate of Flora. And she was the only doctor in the area Flora trusted with such a delicate matter.

“Good morning, Flora,” she said as she pulled the small rolling stool over to sit. “How are you feeling?”

“Terrible.” Flora could always be honest with her. “And about to get worse, I think.”

Doctor Sonya gave her best smile. The one used for condolences. “I know you were hoping for something different, but you are pregnant.”

“Okay.” Flora let out a breath unaware she was holding it.

“I really wish I could tell you something you didn’t know, but…”

“Yeah.”

Silence fell between them so deafening you could hear a pin drop on the rug. Flora was certain the doctor could hear Flora’s heart pounding in her chest, too.

“Let’s start with the basics: if you haven’t stopped—”

“Kiran got rid of all the cigarettes and lighters in the house. We’re non-smokers now.”

“Good. You should also exercise regularly besides starting prenatal vitamins. Those will help.” Flora only nodded along. “Most miscarriages occur in the first thirteen weeks of pregnancy. If we can get past those first thirteen, I’ll consider that a fantastic sign.”

“The first one lasted twenty-five weeks,” Flora countered bitterly.

Doctor Sonya gestured for Flora to sit on the exam table. “Let’s see if we can hear something, okay?”

Flora lay on the exam table, staring at that damned mobile above her head as Doctor Sonya squirted ultrasound gel onto her belly. It was cold. She pushed the wand into Flora’s abdomen, gliding through the gel like fingerpaint.”

“Hm…” Doctor Sonya made one more pass of her abdomen, but heard nothing but an empty stomach. “It’s common for the heartbeat to hide early on. I know we’ve talked about this all before, but I have information about what to expect during the pregnancy, how to do self-care for now at home, all that good stuff. And I would like for you and your husband to rally your support network, too.”

“Do you think I’ll miscarry again?” Flora whimpered.

“There is an elevated risk of a miscarriage when one has happened. But I think if we get things taken care of right away, you may prevent another one. Obviously it isn’t a guarantee, but there is always a chance it will survive. We’ll get blood work done and check your hormone levels, vitamins, minerals, a whole spectrum to make sure things within our control are fine.”

Flora nodded. She didn’t want to cry again. Not in the doctor’s office.

“I’ll meet you at the front desk to make sure we get you scheduled for a blood draw. I’ll call you with the results once I get them so you won’t have to come in again. Then we’ll go from there. Okay?”

“Okay.”