June 22, 2018

Chloe sat at the little desk in her apartment, perusing the classes she needed to take for her degree. David was busier than ever since he was taking summer classes and Chloe opted not to; Nathaniel had been hard to reach the past month or so but wouldn’t say why; and Chloe didn’t want to talk to her mother.

The relationship with Anita had always been strained at best. It was hard enough growing up without her father, but to have a mother who was strict and demanding took its toll. Poor test results, poor choice of friends, poor decisions all led to severe depression and anxiety in such a young soul. Add her mother’s boyfriends to the mix—many of whom couldn’t understand the responsibility children presented—for a complete living nightmare.

I didn’t even want to keep you!

That sure explained a lot. It explained why her mother could never answer her questions, even the “easy” ones. It explained why she spent more time with her grandparents than her friends. And it explained the uncomfortable look her mother gave any time Chloe wanted her mother when the boyfriends were around.

Shaking her head Chloe stood and stretched. She grabbed a fresh glass of water to clear her mind. Thinking over those days was enough to drive her insane.

Knock, knock, knock.

When Chloe pulled the door open, she was expecting David or perhaps Nathaniel, but instead she almost slammed it just as quickly at the sight of her mother. She refrained. “Mom?”

“Oh. Hi, Chloe…”

A moment passed before Chloe spoke again. “Do you need something?”

“Um…Can we talk? Do you have time to, I mean…?”

“Sure…” Chloe stepped aside and let her mother into her apartment, suddenly so self-conscious like when her mother would step into her room back home. She glanced around the room for any signs of disorganization, straightening up a little bit before she could relax.

They sat together on the small couch Chloe managed to procure from a neighbor when they were moving out. It could comfortably fit two people, but the cushions were warped from their dog. So it could comfortably fit two people and one dog about the size of a terrier. And Chloe said nothing.

“Chloe,” Anita said, “I wanted to apologize to you. Not only for what I said…but for a lot over the years. I’m not going to ask you to forgive me and I’m not going to excuse my choices either. I just want you to hear me out. Is that okay?”

Chloe shifted in her seat. “Sure, I guess.”

Anita paused for a moment to find the right words. “I’m sorry I’ve never been a good mother. I’m sorry for all the times you came to me with questions and I didn’t…I couldn’t answer you. I’m sorry that I was so selfish that I let you grow up without your father…”

Chloe frowned. “He hurt you, Mom. I get that. I…I understand why you left.”

Anita winced. “But he never hurt you. And I have always regretted that you missed out on that relationship because I was afraid.”

“It’s fine,” Chloe snapped folding her arms across her chest. “If he could hurt you, who’s to say he couldn’t hurt me? That’s really the only thing you’ve told me that I never had to question. I would rather miss out and be safe than know what the alternative is.”

Anita nodded. “Chloe, I’m sorry I’ve never truly taken responsibility for my mental health. I know I have been so hard on you and I’ve spent more time yelling at you than any mother should. And I’m so sorry for that. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how proud I’ve always been of you. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you how much I’ve always loved you.”

“Oh, it’s fine,” Chloe deadpanned, “because my most fond memories are the ones where I got bad grades and got screamed at for hours. Or the ones where you would pick apart every tiny flaw in my appearance or flaw in my organization skills and make me feel like I couldn’t do anything right. Or, better yet, the ones where I cried into my pillows contemplating suicide because my own mother didn’t love me enough to actually tell me she loved me. Good times.”

“Chloe, I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! And I know I can’t make it up! But what can I do that will let us move on from here? What can I do that lets us have a relationship? Tell me and I’ll do it!”

“I don’t know. And I don’t know if there is anything.”

“Would you tell me if you knew?” Anita asked.

“Of course.”

Anita sighed with relief. “I know you don’t trust me. I deserve that. But I really do want us to have a better relationship. When you think of something—”

“If I think of something.”

“If you think of something, will you tell me?”

Chloe rolled her eyes, but nodded. “Fine.”

With a nod, Anita rose and slid out the door.

Chloe stayed rooted to the spot for quite a while before she finally dialed Nathaniel again.

“Nathaniel here. Sorry I missed your call. Leave a message and I’ll call you right back.”

Beep.

Chloe sighed. “Hey, Nathaniel, it’s Chloe. I haven’t heard from you in a while and I miss you. Since I’m on summer break now, I wanted to know if you wanted to come over for a bad movie night or something. Let me know. Thanks. Bye.”

It was so very unlike Nathaniel to practically ignore her calls, but maybe it was because she moved out? It wasn’t like he had any real responsibility toward her. And it wasn’t like marrying her mom meant he had to spend time with her. She just got used to it living at home, she supposed.

As soon as she hung up the phone, it immediately started ringing. Nathaniel’s name came up on the screen. She smiled.

“Hey, Nathaniel. What’s up?”

“Hi, Chloe. I saw you called, but haven’t listened to your message yet.”

“It’s okay. I’m just bored since I’m not working…or taking classes.”

Nathaniel laughed. “Go get a job. ”

“Yeah, yeah,” Chloe chuckled.

“So, hey, listen. There’s something I wanna talk to you about. Are you free to have a movie night tonight? And chat?”

“That’s literally what I called you about, actually. Movie night, I mean. Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Does seven work?”

“Sure. I’ll leave the door unlocked, but I might be late. I should get snacks.”

Nathaniel laughed again. “Nope. I’ll get those. You pick the movie. I’ll see you at seven.”

“See you then.”

Chloe hung up the phone and automatically set into cleaning mode. Not like it took much time to clean little more than a studio apartment. But it was the thought that counted, right? It was the actual act of tidying up that made her feel better. It was just past four now so she still had time to run to the store for snacks. Yes, Nathaniel would bring some, but she needed to be a good hostess.

As Chloe put all her groceries away just shy of seven, she heard two quick knocks before Nathaniel entered, closing the door behind him. He set the few bags of groceries on the counter.

“I told you I’d buy snacks,” he said.

“I know. But it looks like those aren’t just snacks, so…”

Nathaniel shrugged and gave her a hug. “I couldn’t help it.”

“Movie’s already in. Just need snacks and we’re good.” Chloe returned to her puttering. “What did you want to talk about?”

“Before I start, I need you to promise you’ll hear me out completely, okay?”

“Alright,” Chloe turned to look at him before returning to the groceries. “I’ll hear you out completely. Will you at least tell me the subject first?”

“Your father.”

Chloe sat on the couch next to Nathaniel with a very unhappy expression. From what little she knew about him, he abused her mother then ran off. She didn’t care for any other details. Then again, Nathaniel wouldn’t ask to be fully heard if it wasn’t important.

“The day I helped you move, we got a voice message at home. It was from your father. I was really confused about it, so I asked your mom about it a couple weeks later. And she gave me some sob story about how they got in a huge fight, he left, and came back to threaten you both. Which isn’t what I was told.”

“That’s not what I was told, either. He hit her.”

Nathaniel nodded. “She didn’t remember telling us that. I also found out that…she hasn’t been taking her meds at all.”

Chloe nodded as if everything she’d gone through with her mother made sense now. If she was on her meds, they’d be happy and fine. But they obviously weren’t. “Did you leave?”

“Yes and no. I’ve been staying at a hotel, but I haven’t decided…” his voice trailed off. “That part doesn’t matter. What does matter is that I was so pissed I started digging. And I called your father.”

“You what?”

“I wanted to hear his side of the story, too. Because at worst, we could just get rid of the house number and be done with it, and at best—”

“Does he want to meet me?”

Nathaniel chuckled. Chloe caught on ages ago that he wouldn’t be telling her something unless he thought she needed to know it. Why would he tell her about her father unless there was something to be gained?

“Yes, he does, but,” he used the emphasis to keep Chloe from saying anything more before he could finish what he wanted to say, “before you get that far, I think you should know his side, too. Will you let me finish?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

Nathaniel told Chloe the whole story from her father’s perspective: how he loved her mother very much; how he did everything he possibly could for their little family; how Anita’s mental health problems created even more problems; and how that one act of raising his hand was the final nail in the coffin, as it were. Nathaniel told her all about the research he’d done trying to verify whatever he could.

“I’m never going to tell you what to do, Chloe,” he said softly, “but I think he’s just a man that wants to meet his daughter again.”

“I just don’t even know what to say. I thought there were some things Mom lied about, but…I didn’t think my father would be one of them. I just…”

“It’s a lot to hear at once. I know. But you deserve to know the truth so you can decide for yourself what you want to do. And he knows you’ll need time to process everything so there’s no pressure. Take a year if you need. We have a way to contact him, so your Mom can’t interfere anymore.”

Chloe leaned over and wrapped her arms around Nathaniel’s neck. “Thank you,” she whispered. He returned her embrace and nodded. When she pulled away, the tears were running down her face. “Sorry.”

His hands held her cheeks wiping her tears away with his thumbs. “Never be sorry, Chloe. You deserve everything in the world. Don’t you ever forget that.”

Chloe smiled, took a deep breath, and finally stood to start their movie. “You know…if staying at the hotel is spendy, you can crash here. I’ve got an air mattress.”

“I wouldn’t be imposing?”

Chuckling, she shook her head. “I wouldn’t offer if I thought that.”

“Thank you.”

For the first time in a long time, Chloe and Nathaniel sat down to watch Jurassic Park together. Chloe fell asleep within the first fifteen minutes. Nathaniel lasted an hour. Around midnight, Nathaniel awoke to the sound of the DVD menu playing on repeat with Chloe laying on his chest. Poor thing must have been exhausted. As carefully as he could, Nathaniel scooped Chloe into his arms and laid her in bed. Making a bed out of the love seat was difficult, but somehow he fell asleep again.