May 5, 2018

Nathaniel carried a large box through the door of Chloe’s new apartment, plopping it on the floor. “Sorry. Hope there wasn’t anything fragile in there.”

Chloe chuckled. “Nope. Mostly clothes and a few books is all.”

“Of course. The last box has to be the heaviest,” Nathaniel laughed before straightening.

Chloe’s new apartment was on the fifth floor. It was supposedly a studio apartment, but there was an actual bedroom that simply lacked a door. Apparently doors make all the difference. She had little in the way of furniture, but she would get more. She had a place to sleep, clothes to wear, and her desk. What else did she need?

“Thank you for helping, Nathaniel,” Chloe said offering a bottle of water. “I really appreciate it.”

“I know, but you don’t have to thank me. I don’t mind at all; you know that.”

Chloe nodded sheepishly. “Are you staying for dinner? I can make a quick run to the store.”

Nathaniel checked his watch before nodding. “Sure, I’ve got time. But how about you unpack your kitchen stuff and I’ll go on a grocery run. My treat.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course!”

Chloe contemplated it before shaking her head. “Let me find my wallet…”

Nathaniel and Chloe had a strange relationship when it came to money. Nathaniel held a full-time job and was paid quite well. He never minded forking money out for his family’s needs. But he could never tell her it was just what dads—step-dad in his case—did, because of their age gap. He wasn’t a father figure for her, he knew that. Chloe was the daughter of his wife. Not his step-daughter.

Chloe didn’t like to accept his money, for pretty much the same reason. He wasn’t a father figure. Why spend money on your wife’s daughter? They both knew that Chloe would be haunted by her mother’s inability to keep men around during her childhood and teen years. Chloe wanted Nathaniel to stay, but there was always the chance her mother would fuck it up again. And then he’d be gone. The nicest person her mother ever dated would be gone forever and she’d be stuck with the guilt over taking his money.

So, Nathaniel would offer even though he knew it made Chloe uncomfortable. And Chloe would try to accept it, but couldn’t so she’d give him money. Nathaniel would accept it and whatever he did with it at that point didn’t matter. Chloe did what she was supposed to do.

“I don’t need too much, so…” Chloe jotted a list down and handed it to him with twenty dollars. It had no more than ten items and wouldn’t last very long.

“Are you sure this is all you need?” Nathaniel asked.

“Yeah.”

“For the whole week?”

“Yeah!”

Glancing from the list to Chloe, he conceded. “Alright. I’ll be back soon.”

Everything Chloe had to cook with fit in one box. She had a few sauce pans, one large cutting board, three dull knives, a potato peeler, and a few spatulas. Over time she would collect more, but for now she had what she needed. They all got washed with nothing but water for now (because she forgot to include soap on her list) and put away. The same thing with her plates, bowls and utensils. Another small box had her cook books. Even if she hardly referenced them much anymore, they were full of nostalgia.

When her mother first introduced Nathaniel to her she was incredibly uneasy. After she set fire to pancakes, he offered to teach her to cook. It started as a weekly treat, starting off with easy things like pancakes and eggs. And as she got better they cooked more complicated recipes more often. They bonded over food, something Chloe was always grateful for. Almost anything she needed to say could be said with food.

Thud.

“Chloe!” Nathaniel called from the hallway.

Chloe quickly opened the door, stepping aside so Nathaniel, arms full of bags, could bring them to the counters. Her eyebrows lifted from just how much he’d managed to carry up. “So, my twenty bucks went pretty far, huh? Must have one hell of a store nearby.”

Nathaniel smiled sheepishly. “I may have contributed to the cause. I have more downstairs to bring up.”

“This is why you shouldn’t have gone,” Chloe chided.

“I know. But if I didn’t you were going to run out of food and then starve or something.”

Chloe chuckled, nodding in agreement. It was true. She would have lived on ramen to save her money. “Do you want help?”

“Nope. I’ll be right back.” Nathaniel slipped out the door as Chloe started putting groceries away.

Two more trips to the car and Chloe could consider her kitchen fully stocked. Nathaniel didn’t just buy groceries. He also bought the things she hadn’t considered, like various detergents, toilet paper, and her favorite shampoo.

For the first time in what felt like ages, Chloe and Nathaniel spent time cooking breaking in her new kitchen. They made shepherds pie and chocolate pudding. The entire time they joked and laughed and talked like they hadn’t seen each other in years.

“Bon appetite!” Chloe said as she handed him his plate. They sat on the floor in the living room.

“How’s school been going so far? Still good? Or are you at the part where you question every decision you’ve made?”

Chloe laughed. “It’s good. The material isn’t that difficult yet. At least I don’t think so.”

“Good.”

“How’s Mom?” Chloe managed to ask with a straight face.

“Oh…she’s good. Same as always, really. How’s David?”

Chloe paused. “He’s good…I think.”

“You think?”

“Yeah…we haven’t really seen each other…or talked to each other lately.”

“Don’t you go on dates all the time?” Nathaniel asked between bites of mashed potatoes.

“We used to. But ever since I started going to school, it’s been so much harder to see each other. And he works, too. And I’ll probably have to start working on top of that.”

“A, no you’re not going to work during school; we’ll take care of things, okay? And B, things will work out; just give it time.”

“Thanks.”

Nathaniel sat in the car for a full ten minutes after he got back home. His whole body hurt from helping Chloe move her furniture and grocery shopping, but it was worth it. Chloe was someplace she could have control. She was someplace far enough away to be protected from Anita’s temper. Maybe now they could get along, stop fighting, and have a real honest-to-God relationship. Mothers shouldn’t treat their daughters like Anita treated Chloe. And no parent should ever tell their child they were never wanted.

On his way into the house, Nathaniel fell into his routine: he picked up the mail, idly sorted it, put the bills on the counter and got himself comfortable for an evening in. Anita would be home tomorrow morning and they could resume whatever this marriage had morphed into. And as he plopped onto the couch exhausted from the bed, he tapped the button on their answering machine to play the messages.

(Why they had a land-line telephone and answering machine had been part of the madness Nathaniel suffered through each day. He, Chloe, and Anita all had cell phones. They all knew each other’s phone numbers. The only people who ever got the land-line number were bill collectors or anyone they really didn’t want to be in contact with easily. But Anita insisted they needed it. Many battles fought and lost over the stupid phone. Every time Nathaniel pushed that button to play the messages, he could feel Anita winning a little more.)

Beep.

Nathaniel sat forward as the silky smooth voice of another man started playing. “Hello, Anita. It’s Daniel. I hope you’re doing well. I’m reaching out to you, yet again, to get into contact with Chloe. She deserves to know me, Anita. You know that. And I deserve to know her, too. Please call me back. Or, better yet, please give Chloe my phone number so I can talk to her.” As Daniel recited his phone number there was a static hiss, and then nothing.

Nathaniel sat back and stared at the answering machine.

When the relationship got serious between Nathaniel and Anita, Nathaniel asked about Chloe’s father, Daniel. It was a sore subject, but Anita relented. Daniel and Anita were high school sweethearts. Things were going well until Anita got pregnant since Daniel was technically an adult when it happened and Anita was not. Regardless, Anita graduated from high school as Chloe grew up while Daniel worked to support the baby.

As soon as they moved in together everything changed. The fighting started. The screaming started. And then Anita ran home because Daniel hit her and she was scared for Chloe’s safety. She got a lawyer, gained full custody, but granted supervised visitation. After only three visits, Daniel left them. And he hadn’t been heard from since.

Nathaniel replayed the message. He tried catching the phone number, but it was too jumbled to make out. As he rubbed his face with his hands, Nathaniel knew he’d have to talk with Anita directly about it.

Nathaniel faltered on several occasions over the next few weeks. He and Anita had more alone time than they’d ever had before, so broaching the subject of Chloe’s father was…awkward, to say the least. It was during one evening of relaxation and almost a full bottle of wine that he finally gathered the courage to pause their movie.

“Oh, I forgot to mention,” Nathaniel started, “you got a voice mail just before you came home but I deleted it by accident. It was from Daniel,” Nathaniel’s inflection raised at the end to give the impression he may be mistaken. Years of experience taught him that was the best approach when testing the waters. “And he was asking about Chloe.”

While they had been drinking wine and watching their movie, Anita had curled up close to his chest. But she very carefully moved away, pouring herself another glass of wine. “Is that so? Did he leave his number for her?”

“He did, but I couldn’t make it out.”

Anita relaxed slightly. “All’s well that ends well then. Let’s keep watching.” Anita un-paused whatever movie they were watching—(Nathaniel hadn’t been paying close attention while he was working out how to actually form words)—and sank back into the couch.

“It was Chloe’s father, wasn’t it?”

The movie paused again with a deep sigh. “Does it matter?” Anita asked.

“Has he tried calling her before?”

“No, he hasn’t. Can we just watch the movie?”

Nathaniel scooted to the edge of his seat. “Daniel said he was ‘reaching out yet again.’ Anita, if—”

“Daniel is not going to see her!! Not now, not ever! And I don’t care how many goddamn times he calls!”

“Did you tell Chloe he’s been trying to call her?” Nathaniel shouted back as he stood.

“Of course not!”

“Chloe’s gone her entire life thinking he wants nothing to do with her, Anita! If—”

“If he wanted to be in her life he shouldn’t have left us!”

They both took a moment to collect themselves. Anita stood to one side of the living room, Nathaniel on the other, staring each other down like animals stalking prey.

“Remind me: why did he leave?” Nathaniel asked. He lowered his voice hoping she would do the same.

Anita considered the question for a moment before she sighed. “He left because…because of me. I hadn’t been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder yet so we were always in these really intense fights. And because I was balancing being a mother and school I couldn’t really go talk to anybody about why the fights were happening. They just were. And then he had enough. The night he stormed out was the worst night of my life. I didn’t know if he was coming back.” Anita started tearing up, turning away so Nathaniel wouldn’t see them falling down her face. “So I went to live with my parents and he shows up all pissed because he thought I was taking her away. He threatened us, Nathan. He threatened me and Chloe. We tried the visitation, but he would just make me feel unsafe. And because I was finally standing up to him, he left and never came back.”

Nathaniel listened to every word she said. And by the end, anger swam in his blood. “Why are you lying to me?”

Anita spun on her heel. “What? I’m not—”

“You told me you were diagnosed with bi-polar disorder before Chloe was born, not after. And you told me that her father actually punched you in the face, which was why you went to your parents’ house. You told me that was the day you knew Chloe wouldn’t know her father because you were afraid for her safety. Why are you lying to me?”

“Nathan…”

“What else have you lied about? Are you actually bi-polar? Or do you only just think you are?”

“Of course I really am!” Anita countered.

“Have you been taking your meds?”

“What kind of question is that? We refill it every month!”

Nathaniel scowled as understanding flooded his mind. “But that doesn’t mean you’ve taken them.”

Anita tried to find the words she needed but couldn’t.

“You’ve only been taking them when you’ve had no other choice, haven’t you? Any time I’ve actually handed them to you, you’ve taken them which was why you were getting sick from the side effects. But you never adjusted to it like the doctor said because if you were left alone you’d…what? Throw them away?”

“Nathan, you’re being silly.” Anita looked like she would cry again.

“And you’re not answering the fucking question! Answer me honestly right now or I am gone!”

Anita’s jaw clenched noticeably as she tried to keep herself under control. Not once in their marriage had he come close to leaving her. He never said anything like that before. “I opened the capsules…and washed the powder down the drain. Then I would swallow the capsule.”

With a deep breath, Nathaniel calmed himself. “I don’t even know what the fuck you’re thinking anymore. I…I need time to think. I’ll call you when I’m ready to talk.” Grabbing only a bag of the bare essentials, Nathaniel left the house.