Dear Rosey,

I don’t think we are dealing with this in a healthy way. Throwing ourselves at anyone who isn’t each other is driving me crazy. Either you get jealous or I get jealous. I am trying my very best to be supportive of your new relationship but did you really have to pick Chadwick Hunger! He is like the king of jerks!

To be fair I have been avoiding you all week by hanging all over Blythe. Every time you try and talk to me about the confession, about our feelings for each other, I just shut you down. Which is so unfair because I am not usually the responsible type. I just---okay I guess I have to explain myself.

This is the first time my dad has been happy since he divorced my mom. Seriously he already gave me back my car and I haven’t even done all three good deeds yet. It’s like he has been body-snatched and replaced with a more laid-back version of himself.

It’s not just my dad either, Melissa seems very happy. She is even trying to get along with me, and I’ll admit I wasn’t her biggest fan but she is growing on me. I mean is it really fair for us to break up their happiness? I mean even if we did tell them it wouldn’t guarantee we end up together. We would just pit our parents against each other. I am sure I would get blamed for everything. In the end, no one would be happy.

So why ruin everyone’s happiness when I can be the only one who has to suffer.

“Earth to Zara, hey are you okay?” Blythe asked waving her hand in front of my face.

“I’m just tired.” I sighed resuming making mini spring formal table cards.

The decoration committee was supposed to be another way for us to get closer but now all you do is hang all over Chad. He is such a jerk. He is always degrading women to make himself look all big and macho. How you could ever fall for someone like him is beyond me.

“No way you’ve been out of it all week, did something happen between you and Rose? You’ve been avoiding her like a disease not that I’m complaining.”

“We sort of got into a disagreement about something. We worked it out but we aren’t the same anymore.” I buried my head into my arms.

“Well, what was the fight about?” Blythe asked rolling over on the gym floor to lay on top of me.

“Nothing important. It was stupid.”

“Doesn’t sound stupid if you are still all bent up about it. I thought only I could get under your skin.” She pouted.

“I don’t want to talk about it okay, help me finish all these table toppers.” I pushed her off of me.

“Fine grumpy pants.”

Your laugh raised the hairs on my neck. When I turned to look at you, Chad was throwing you in the air and catching you repeatedly, I swear I saw him get a good a feel if you know what I mean. I crushed the table topper I was working on.

“Okay, now you are being destructive, come on let's get out of here. We can go to my place my parents are out of town for a few days.” Blythe helped me up off the floor.

“What about the decorations? Mr. Grey said he wanted these table toppers done today, we still have a couple hours left. If my dad finds out I ditched---”

“Why would he find out? You won’t tell him, I won’t tell him.”

I looked to you again, Blythe followed my line of vision.

“You think Rose will tell on you?”

“I don’t know, maybe?”

“Well, let's go find out.”

“Wait, Blythe come on, let’s just stay and finish. Blythe.” I walked after her.

“Hey,” She said approaching you and Chad.

“Hey?” you said.

“We need to talk to you.” She said.

You raised an eyebrow at me, I couldn’t look you in the eyes.

“I’ll talk to Zara," You said.

“Excuse you?”

“It’s fine, just talk to Chad I’ll make it quick.” I calmed her down.

Then you dragged me off to the side behind the bleachers.

“Look I’m going to ditch with Blythe I just wanted to see if you would tell my dad or not.” I stayed looking at the floor.

“Why are you avoiding me? You avoid me at home and now you are avoiding me at school.”

“I’m not avoiding you. You are the one hanging all over Chad.” I snapped.

“Well, you’re hanging all over Blythe.”

“She’s my girlfriend.” I defended myself.

“Well am I not allowed to show interest in anyone now?” You crossed your arms.

“You can do whatever you want.”

“Fine then I will.”

“Fine!”

We just stood there again. I know this time I was the one being unfair but I don’t know what to do in this situation. I am just as confused as you are.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes and I saw them welling up in yours too. I didn’t want us to keep hurting each other, but I didn’t know what to do. So I quickly wiped away my tears and moved to walk around you.

“I know you like me too. You don’t have to fight this,” You said.

“We can’t okay, it’s just not right.”

“Maybe I don’t care about that.”

“You don’t even know if you like girls or not. You can’t just push me around especially if you’re not sure. I am not going to be your play toy.” I whirled on you.

“You let Blythe use you as a toy.” You sneered.

“She loves me.”

“Ha! Yeah right, more like she is obsessed with you.”

“What would you know? You don’t know her like I do. You don’t know the first thing about it.”

“I know how you always feel after being around her, and I know how you feel after being around me. I can see the difference. I’m not blind.”

“I’m leaving before I get angry.” I turned to walk away.

“He asked me out.” You called after me.

“Congratulations, he’s a dick by the way,” I called over my shoulder.

Blythe met me halfway.

“Let’s get out of here,” I grumbled.

“Let’s.” she linked her arm with mine and together we walked out.

When we got to her house I went up to her room, she pushed me down on the bed and tried to get frisky. After about the third kiss I pushed her off and turned away from her.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I’m just not in the mood.”

“Zar you are really bringing me down, talk to me.” She wrapped her arms around me.

I felt myself on the verge of tears again, but I knew I shouldn’t tell Blythe the truth especially not Blythe.

“It’s Rose isn’t it.”

I couldn’t bring myself to deny it so I let my silence be taken as confirmation. She held me tighter.

“Just tell me, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know how to fix it.” The tears slipped out again. More silent defeat.

“Zara, what happened?”

“Don’t get mad.”

“I won’t.”

“She told me she has feelings for me,” I said it. I needed to tell someone I figured she already knew we madeout so might as well just tell her the truth.

“What did you tell her?” she asked.

“I said I like her back, but we can’t be together because of our parents. Plus I don’t even know if she likes me the way I like her. I think she just wants to use me as her experimental toy. She told me she was straight, but now this? She is confused, she doesn’t know what she wants. One week of me avoiding her and she is already ready to move on with Chad.” I turned to face her.

She looked hurt, just as much as I was hurting.

“I’m sorry,” I said mostly because I felt like I owed it to her.

“How does that make you feel?” she asked.

“It hurts. There is this pain inside me I didn’t even know I could feel. I just feel so helpless I don’t know what to do. I want to scream at her and kiss her at the same time. I want her to take me seriously. It hurts, god it hurts.” I cried.

“I know how you feel.” She said.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel like this, I’m sorry.”

Her tears were falling now too.

“Nothing I say is going to make you love me is it?” She sat up.

“Blythe--”

“I know I am a horrible person. I know I did awful things to you. I am not denying it. I wish I could take it back, I wish we could start all over. I wish you could see that these feelings I have are not a joke. But none of that matters because you love her, and maybe, just maybe she might love you.” She ended in a whisper.

I tried to comfort her but she pulled out of my grasp.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt instead of bullying me?” I asked.

“I was scared, scared you would reject me. I thought it would be fine, you were always alone anyways. I thought eventually you might see me differently that it would take time. But then things between us kept getting worse. Then you weren’t alone anymore, and I just sort of lost it.”

“This doesn’t have to be the end,” I said.

“I’m not going to be with someone who is constantly thinking about another girl! I have more self-respect than that.” She whirled on me.

“No. That’s not what I am saying. Continuing to be in the relationship would make both of us miserable. What I am saying is we could go back to being friends, like we used to be. We used to be close, we used to do everything together. No one understands me better than you Blythe. What I need right now isn’t a girlfriend, it’s just a friend. We can start over, it’s not too late.”

“I’d like that.” She smiled.

Then we embraced. I swear my life wasn’t always this cheesy. Okay, maybe it was.

“I’m sorry I ever stopped being your friend, I’m sorry I said all those horrible things about you. I’m sorry I left you to become popular. I’m just so sorry Zara, I wish I never lost you as a friend.” She held me tightly.

“Me too. I’m sorry too.”

And I was, the truth is the only reason why I kept up my rivalry with Blythe for so long was that I was still hurting from her betrayal. I wanted her to suffer for leaving me for other friends. The part of me that I thought hated Blythe actually only hated the fact that she could leave me behind. I’ve never had many friends to begin with, but I always had her, and then I didn’t. I couldn’t accept that but now things are going to be different. After years of traumatizing each other, we are finally ready to move forward.

“Can I just have one last kiss before you swear me to celibacy.” She joked pulling back.

“I’m not swearing you to anything, you can be with who you want,” I said.

“I don’t want to be with anyone, not unless they’re you.” Tears spilled over onto her smile.

I wiped them with my thumb and leaned in and kissed her. This might sound crazy but I swear I felt something there. I felt a spark, a little hope, the possibility of a kindling flame waiting to turn into a blaze. I felt the possibility that Blythe might be the happiness I have been looking for all along. It wasn’t as strong as what I felt with you, not even close, but there was something.

And when we pulled back we both understood that we had felt something. So I just hugged her again and let her hold me.

When I got home you were there, waiting outside. Waiting for me to get home so we could walk in together and pretend we both just came from the decoration committee. Not that my dad was home to see us walk in, but your mom was.

“I’m sorry about before.” You said at the same time I said,

“I broke up with Blythe.”

“You did!” you sounded shocked.

“Yeah, we agreed to be just friends.” I kicked at the ground.

“So what does that mean for us?” you asked.

“I thought you were going out with Chad.” I sneered.

“As if, he’s a total moron.” You giggled.

“But you said---” I looked up at you.

“I was just trying to make you jealous.” You smiled.

“Why?” I asked.

Then you rolled your eyes and pulled me into your arms for a kiss. I gasped into you. It was all still there, all the magic, all the feelings. The butterflies and the bubbles. I wrapped my arms around you and pulled you in for a deeper kiss. I didn’t want that moment to ever end.

“Let’s go inside before my mom sees us.” You pulled back, you were breathless.

I nodded, my brain being unable to process speech.

“Hey girls, everything okay?” Melissa asked. She was in the kitchen looking for a snack.

“Yep never better mom, Come on Z.” you pulled me up the stairs.

This time we went into your room, you locked the door behind us then you kissed me again, and again. We found our way to your bed, it smelled just like you. I love that smell.

I love you, I love the way your fingers grazed my skin, the pads just barely touching me. Your hot breath on my throat, your hand running through my hair. It was all too much.

“Ahh! Rosey! I’m, I’m---” I buried my head into your shoulder and let my body spasm under you.

“Shh! What was that?” you giggled.

I felt my face get red.

“Did you just?”

“I’m sensitive okay. Don’t laugh.” My face got hotter.

“That was kind of cute, I didn’t know you could make that face.” You kissed my cheek.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize wait is that what happened in the cave? Is that why you pulled away?”

“Yes. I’m so embarrassing I know.” I buried my face into my hands.

“Stop being so freaking cute.” You removed my hands then removed my glasses.

“So you don’t think it’s embarrassing?”

“I think it’s cute, it just means I can get you all worked up without having to try too hard.” You trailed kisses up my neck to my lips.

“Go easy on me okay,” I said breathlessly as you pulled away.

“I make no such promises.” You smiled reconnecting our lips.

That is how we started our secret relationship. Now I am officially dating my stepsister. Something tells me this isn’t going to end well.