I always had a very strange ability: I can see a person's true face when in the dark with them.

It's something weird and I always have tried to understand it. The closest I've ever reached is that people take off their mask when they think you can't see them. Add that to the fact that my eyes have always adjusted fast to little light and maybe that's why.

With time I learned to trust this ability. With more time I learned to rely on it. But of course, no experience comes through happiness.

The first time I experienced seeing a person, for lack of better words, under a different light, was the first time I ever slept with John. There was something mischievous about his traits, something that didn't match the loving person he was showing to me during the day. There was a weird malice, something that, in the back of my mind, resembled victory. I was young and stupid, so I decided to ignore this intuition.

I want to do the infamous carnaval of '09 justice, so I will really save it for another time, but by now I will say that it was at that time that I learned that, back in '07 when we dated, he was doing it out of spite, simply to annoy his ex, with whom he was still seriously in love. When I learned that, I instantly remembered his victorious aura when we first slept together.

I didn't play with people's feelings, I really didn't appreciate having mine played with.

It was that ability that quickly showes me Alex's demons. Alas, I thought I had nowhere else to go, so I scratched that out of my mind.

I never slept with Anthony, but he had a simple face in the dark, he was genuinely just enjoying my company, disregarding the weird place we were at.

Who's Anthony, you ask? Oh, okay. I thought I'd tell this story later, but here we go. Also, I want to get rid of any possible connections to Alex as soon as possible.

***

I have learned with Samantha Jones from Sex and the City that I have been in a relationship with myself longer than with anyone else, and that is the relationship I have to focus on. After taking the end of '08 to heal, I started going back to the online chat rooms shortly after the year turned. There I met Anthony.

Anthony was the first man I met who was really my type: tall and skinny. Our talk had a nice mix of tenderness and naughtiness and I really liked it. Soon enough I was going online to talk only to him and vice-versa. We had a sweet first date which I still can't remember (my brain still shrouding a lot of the memories around Alex) and soon after we went to a night club, being one of few places where two men could kiss in public without fear.

His kisses had the same mixture as his talk and it feels really good to see that, in a club full of hot men, your date didn't dare take his eyes off you. During the whole night our lips only parted to talk to one another or take an occasional gulp.

He still wasn't out and he said it was the reason why he couldn't take me to his house. Although he lived alone, he lived in a poor community and they're places where words spread fast. I had zero problem with him being poor or living in a community, but I was relieved I wouldn't have to go there. Not only places where words spread fast, they tend to be very unwelcoming places for strangers.

I had found another teaching position that I would start in February, but until then I was still rather broke. He was a waiter, which meant none of us could afford paying for a motel room. We both really wanted to have sex, so I suggested we could go to a sauna. Sweet surprise, he bottomed. Even better, he rode me. Again, sex with him was just like everything else, tender and naughty. It was really pleasant and I was starting to feel I could grow used to it.

A couple of days later I received a text.

'Hello, Ralph. I hope this is still your number. This is Arnold, John's ex. I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but I have a business proposal for you.'

A million questions rushed through my had. I started with the obvious one.

'How did you get my number?'

'I took it from John's phone.'

'Why would he still have my number?'

'He doesn't. I got it from when you were dating. He didn't even know it. Anyway, he's gone now.'

'You kept my number for over a year?'

'I'm sorry it took this long to reach you. Can we talk?'

And talk we did. A part of me felt bad for talking to him and still seeing Anthony, but we weren't making any promises. Until a very strange conversation happened online between me and Anthony. He was asking to be my boyfriend and how the relationship was supposed to work.

He seemed really new at the whole dating-a-guy thing, because he was stating obvious things, like talking and meeting arrangements. It was all very cute until it wasn't.

Somehow the talk had drifted towards fidelity. He was promising not to have anything with no other man and asking me if I could also have nothing else with no other man, no matter what. His excessive use of the word man gave me a funny feeling. It felt as if he was creating himself a loophole. I decided to put it to the test.

'Sure thing. I won't have anything with anyone and you also have nothing with no one. It's a deal.'

'No, wait. Not no one. No men.'

'And what do you mean by that?'

'I don't think it's cheating on you if I'm at a party and end up having sex with a woman, just with a man. You're a man, cheating would be with another man.'

I knew that's what he meant and still I couldn't believe someone could think something so atrocious. Before I answered my phone rang. It was Arnold. He sensed something was off with my voice and asked me to go to his place to talk. I told him to give me the address and he said it was the same one. I scoffed and told him I'd have to deal with one problem at a time. The nerve of him! Calling me all this time later and still share that stupid flat with John. I hung up and returned my attention to that also awful conversation I was having with Anthony.

'We apparently have different definitions of what it means to cheat. I'll have to think about it and I'll get back to you, okay?'

I felt like a true hypocrite and texted Arnold.

'Explain.'

'There's nothing to explain, really. He and I broke-up over six months ago and he still can't afford to move out, so he lives in the living room.'

'I bought that bullshit once, Arnold. How dumb do you think I am to buy it again? The funny thing is that I was almost falling for your words, you see? But then that!'

He didn't text me back, he called me instead.

'If you can't look at my face I want you to at least hear the honesty in my voice. There is nothing else between him and me. Please, can you give me at least one chance? Carnaval starts in three days. Come spend it with me.'

'In three days? I'll think about it. Goodbye, Arnold.'

2009 was one of those years when I had the huge misfortune of having Carnaval around or on my birthday. It's like a leap year, every few years I am graced with the inability to make any plans because this massive party takes over the entire city. That year it would be on Thursday, one day after the end of everything.

The day before it started I was sick. I had a fever and shivers. I went to work anyway and during the day Arnold was calling me to check if I was feeling any better.

When I left and headed to the bus stop I found him waiting for me at the corner of the street.

'What? Came to make sure I am really sick and not lying?'

'The one with trust issues here isn't me, Ralph. But I understand your reasons. Anyway, that's not why I'm here. I came to pick you up.'

'I never said I agreed, Arnold. Plus, I'm sick.'

'I know. Please, let me take care of you.' He raised a bag from a drugstore. Okay, that was sweet as fuck. I sighed and let him led the way.

'I don't have a single change of clothing with me.'

'If you need it I can solve it. Don't worry.'

Inside the subway I was starting to feel worse. He stopped to buy a bottle of water and gave me some medicine from the bag, saying he was going to wait until we arrived, but I needed it fast. By the time we reached his flat I couldn't walk without his help and I could barely open my eyes. He led me to his bed, the same bed, and covered me.

I woke up to a dark room. I was only wearing my underwear. The sheets around me were soaked in sweat. I could feel my hair plastered to my face. I still didn't know which medicine he had given me, but as I tried to sit up I could tell it was a very effective one.

'How are you feeling?'

'Better. Thanks. I didn't know you were awake.'

'I wasn't, but anytime I'm worried I become a light sleeper.'

'And why were you worried?'

'Seriously? Did you take a look at yourself? You were chilly and really feverish and I think there was a moment when you started hallucinating.'

'Where are my clothes?'

'In the washer. You started sweating off the fever after you slept. I figured it wouldn't be good for you to stay in them, so I took them off. I was waiting for you to wake up to change the sheets too, they're as wet as your clothes.'

'Sorry.'

'Don't do this. Do this instead: go take a shower and while you're there I'll replace the sheets.

A few minutes later I left the bathroom back in my underwear and with his towel around my neck. He was in bed, shirtless and wearing shorts.

'There is something I need to do before anything else. Can I use your computer?'

He nodded and I turned it on. I entered the messenger and opened Anthony's chat window. I didn't know if I believed Arnold or not, but I knew Anthony's conditions would never give me peace of mind. He wasn't online. I texted him saying I couldn't do it. I was sorry, but I couldn't. I wished him happiness, luck and a good life and deleted him from my contact list. I turned off the computer and went to lay next to Arnold.

'It was very sweet what you've done for me. Other than my family no one has ever taken care of me before. Thank you.'

'No problem. But does that mean you're willing to give me a chance?'

'Maybe. I guess.'

He leaned in closer, but waited for me to reach out and kiss him. It didn't take long for me to ride him. He was great at it, my boner never left and that made him even hornier.

That's how we spent carnaval. Most of the time with his dick inside of me. John knew I was there and really wasn't happy about it. One day he asked to use the bathroom and we were not in the mood to stop what were doing, so Arnold just covered us to the neck and spooned me, his hard dick shoved all the way inside of me. We remained like that until John was done with his business and left. That's the 'whorest' I've ever felt but it made me even hornier.

We would stop having sex only to go out to eat and enjoy a little Carnaval at the beach. We did go to the mall where he got me a nice birthday present. I blushed but liked it a lot and I still have it. Finally my birthday came and it was time to go back home. We crossed John on our way out and he had that same winning mischievous smile on his face. It was the first time he spoke to me, only to wish me a happy birthday, something in his voice making clear he hoped and trusted it wouldn't be happy at all.

I got home to a lecture from my mother about how I insisted on being a homewrecker and that I should leave those two alone. It lasted a few hours and it replaced her birthday wishes for me.

I will never know the exact things John told her and I believed that, from Arnold's side of the story, they were indeed through. But I decided I had had enough of those two for a lifetime, so I never talked to any of them ever again.

***

Now you know who's Anthony.

Cooper looked distant in the dark and Peter always looked as if he had something else in mind. All of those looks were fairly accurate and foretold me about the end of our relationships. So there was nothing to it, I had to put Oliver to the test.

It didn't prove itself any easy task. He really disliked going to hotels and none of our houses was a possibility. It took me almost three weeks after our first time to finally convince him. We were dating for almost two months, we had had almost sixty dates and boy, I couldn't even begin describing how much I loved him. I needed to see him in the dark.

Of course I never told him the real reason, it would creep him the fuck out, but I won him with insistence, like a harder level version of our first date.

We both topped and bottomed and he could see how much pleasure he gave me. I still couldn't come as a top and he already knew why. It was finally too late and were both too sleepy. I killed the lights and turned to him. He kissed me a few times and I held him at arm's length for a few seconds.

And there it was, the same face as always. Really happy to see me and to be with me. He didn't have any mask to take off and, if it's any possible, I loved him ten times more.