I had some fun with Martha today, she managed to cheer me up.

But while doing all these funny things with her, I realized I didn't truly want to choose which book to burn, so my mood kind of went down again. 

After watching a movie togheter, I got home.

"I'm home." - I said, even if nobody was there.

I put down the shoppers and went in the kitchen to get a glass of water.

I really felt like I couldn't do it.

I needed time to think...it wasn't an easy choice.

There's something I learned from showbiz, though.

The best moment to act is when you don't know what to do.

I put down the glass, and went straight ahead to my room, with the books in the shopper and a lighter.

I put both of them on my desk and closely analyzed them, as if the right choice was written on their cover. That made me think how I met both of them.

I met Martha through showbiz, while casting for a secondary role in a popular prime time series. I got the role, but she really did give her best there. I honestly thought she would have been a better fit.

She cried, cried and cried. I just couldn't stand that atmosphere.

I was like her at the start, people didn't give me roles just because I was "Vera" at the time. You had to do everything you could to get a role. Defeat wasn't a choice.

I tried to get near her, I wanted her to feel a little better.

Most people would think I was just boasting myself in front of her, but she didn't. She was glad she had someone to talk to.

She still has a lot to learn, but she's quite special. I really wish her the best.

"Then…"

Then there's Cel.

We met a couple of months ago...or maybe a little more? I don't quite remember...we were discussing about a new series...she's a scriptwriter...we crossed paths in other sets too...

I sighed. I didn't want to lose any of them, but I had to make a choice.

Logically speaking, would you rather lose a childhood friend or someone who you didn't even know of her existence until a couple of months ago? Most people would surely go for the latter. I would too.

Even if my hands were shaking a bit, I reached for the ligther and Cel's book. I hoped that if it worked, at least her death would have been as fast as possible.

Pages slowly started to burn. After a couple of minutes, there was nothing left but ashes. I started to feel a bit of pain around the neck. 

"Guess I'm exhausted" - I murmured.

I lied on my bed and closed my eyes.