I don’t even care if we’re being too loud.

Exam week is over, and I can’t think of anything that could get to me right now (Except rain. Rain always wins). We’re blasting some of Nick’s favorite songs, jumping all around the apartment that we are now officially sharing, singing (or screaming, your choice) off-tune. Honestly, a two-person party is the best kind of parties (Need I say I don't like crowds?). We may have drank a little, we may be high on way too much sugar. We’re two little kids bouncing everywhere, and honestly I’m far from minding the fact that we’re both supposed to be “adults”.

Out of exhaustion, we both crash on my bed, laughing like crazy, our heads side by side, oriented in opposite directions. My now long hair all over the place, I turn my head toward him, breathing heavily. The music is still loud over my head, but it fades in the background as Nick mimics my gesture. We are now both breathing the same air and my mind won’t figure out what the hell is going on. He’s so close I could kiss him, yet even my drunk self has enough self-control not to ruin our friendship.

I force myself to rise even if my head feels so heavy that I wish I could stay there next to Nick forever. I turn down the music, and I come back to find my friend already asleep. He’s obviously way too heavy for me to drag him all the way to the couch, so I pull his feet over my bed, tossing my pillow under his head. My eyes may have lingered a bit too long on his adorable sleepy innocent face, but I’m not minding as long as he doesn’t find out.

After a quick shower, I take the couch, leaving my snoring friend to sleep on my bed. I’m surrounded by his smell, and that doesn’t help my thoughts. Why did I have to fall for the one person which I couldn’t fall for? It's not like someone like me makes friends easily, let alone something as Nicholas and I share. I should be happy with what I have, but instead that stupid brain of mine always wishes for more.

These hugs, holding hands and stuff… I don't understand him at all… He knows I'm gay. I know this shouldn't change a thing. If anything, I'm still me and I want normal friends just like anyone. But what he can't seem to see is all that fake hope he's giving me. How my heart flutters at the sigh of his smile, how I can't even imagine a world in which he isn't. How I'd love to hold his hand and hug him, but how I really shouldn't.

A first tear makes its way to Nick's pillow, soon followed by an ocean. Why did I have to be born this way? Couldn't I just be normal? To be this popular guy, talking about girls. This guy who can have guy as friends without it feeling weird. Life would be so much easier. And here I wouldn't be dreaming about kissing my only friend, going on with my life with him by my side.

We would both get our own girlfriend, maybe get married at some point. We could be each other's best man! Then there would be children and our own families. We wouldn't see each other often, but at least we would still be friends…