Beth

“Did Giovanni do that? It’s ridiculous.” Kaiser sputters, rubbing his face with his hand as he leans against the back of the couch. “He used his power for her?”

I hug the true pillow and blush. “I didn’t know he' a romantic, Aunt Marissa.” I almost squeak when I said it. I dream of something like that will happen to me. Giovanni’s rude actions seem too good to be true. With whom?

Kaiser?

I shake my head, instinctively, as if it happens. I hope not. Like he says, he doesn’t like doing stupid things like Giovanni did for Alexandra. For him, being romantic is out of his vocabulary. So, I never expect him doing that for any girl. Even to me, his best friend.

“After Giovanni and Alexandra left, what happened?” I press my lips waiting for her to continue her wonderful story. Without knowing it, my torso has been leaning forward closer before.

“Is he serious, mom?” Kaiser raises his tone, annoyed of Giovanni’s action. His face seems telling us he doesn’t get his uncle’s point of doing such a thing for a woman. Especially in front of the public.

“I don’t know if he was or not. But I heard them fighting at the back of the school main hall. It’s where students don’t pass by or a few only know that place. The best place for lover’s quarrels. Actually, that was the popular place for LQs back then.”

She combs her hair with her fingers. She flicks her head down, as if she's checking the strands for split ends. She raises her face and leans against the couch and sighs. “She fought her rights at school as soon as the VIPs' eyes were at her."

Aunt Marissa continues her story, as if she’s not tired. To think about it, it is too late for a bedtime story. While listening to her story, I get myself into thinking.

Can I fight against my parents who keep criticizing me like Alexandra did with the VIPs?

Can I manage to speak up and tell them the words I want them to hear at least once?

Mom, please stop comparing me to Jana. I’m not her. I’m not smart.

Dad, please stop being too feminine in the house. Be a man and be the pillar of the household. That’s how it should be.

Jana, please leave me alone. I don’t want to live behind your shadows anymore. I’m done with it.

“Later on, she challenged herself to speak in a symposium and spoke her words to the public.” Aunt Marissa pauses and sighs before she continues, “I admired her for that courage. Something I didn’t have. Although I wasn’t there when she spoke, as soon as Jessica told me about it, I felt mesmerized.”

“Why were you not there, mom?” Kaiser asks, leaving her speechless. Instead, she stands and heads to the kitchen. We follow, although clueless of what’s going on. Our eyes follow her trail as she prepares coffee.

“Mom? Is something the matter?”

“Let’s have coffee first. It’s getting early morning. How about you Beth? Do you mind if I prepare coffee? Or you prefer—”

I shake my head, interrupting her. “No, it’s okay. I can have coffee,” I say in response, though I am not a fan of coffee. But for the sake of her story and for keeping myself awake, I drink one cup. For sure, when I arrive home, my mom will give me a warm welcome.

She places the cups of coffee in front of us and grabs a stool and sits with a loud sigh. She squeezes her hands in the warm surface of the cup. She glances at us before she fixes her sight at the coffee again. “There’s something you should know. Even Kaiser didn’t know about this.”

“Mom…” Kaiser speaks more with a concern than before and holds her arm instinctively. She sighs and looks at him with a smile.

“This is my secret…I almost took my life.”

Those words strike like lightning in my head. Kaiser and I both recoil when we hear her uttering the sentence, jaw-dropped. “If not because of her, I would have been dead by now.” He squeezes her mom’s arm, showing his deep worry for her. She places her hand on top of his and smiles. “But it’s okay now. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“But why, Aunt Marissa?” I ask her, sipping the coffee. When I did, I try not to break the mood because of the bitterness in my tongue. I still show my empathy through my face although my mind is in chaos. Damn it. I hate brewed coffee. It’s too bitter for my palate.

Minutes pass before she musters her courage and resumes to her storytelling. Although talking about it is difficult for her. “It’s something about family problems, Beth. And yes, Alexandra was there. Lucas and Jessica came to the rescue. They saw me standing on top of the chair with a rope tied on the ceiling fan.”

Her tears start crawling down her face and looks away to wipe them with her sleeping robe. “One thing that struck me, when Lucas brought me down the stool, was Alexandra’s profound words. That saved the hell out of me.”

“What did she tell you?” I ask.

“She told me, ‘You are enough. You are beautiful. You are not a burden to anyone. Look, never set yourself based on the standards of others. You are you. You own your life. Not your pathetic parents nor your nanny.”

The moment I hear Alexandra’s piece of advice, I almost cry myself in front of her. But I press my lips trying to keep my tears in their ducts. I shouldn’t break the atmosphere because of me crying.

Never set yourself based on the standards of others.

“Alexandra indeed influenced everyone, doesn’t she?” I say.

She nods. “You couldn’t imagine how deep she thinks since you could only see a facade of her. You couldn’t see clear who she is. Because she completely shut it off. I didn’t know what happened. Jessica told me about coming over because of something urgent. So, I did. And that was the time I saw Alexandra on television, handcuffed in front of the media and dragged to jail.”

She cries again, almost a soft sob. “It was terrible to see her in that state. But it is more painful not knowing anything that was going on. Until now, I feel bad about it. It’s weird because it’s been twenty years but both Jessica and I couldn’t move on.”

“You couldn’t move on because you’re clueless about what happened to her," Kaiser explains to calm his mother down. "You couldn't blame yourself, mom. Alexandra chose not to speak up because she doesn't want you to worry."

I thought recording her life in my pen and paper would be enough as a mission. That I can encode, print, and submit to Mr. Dizon. That’s it. It’s not the case. It’s testing our limits. Both Kaiser and I are now involved with a case. A case which involved everyone, telling us their secrets.

I want to deny it. I want to escape and run back to my comfort zone. But seeing Aunt Jessica’s cold expression and Aunt Marissa’s cry, running away is not a good idea. Especially Kaiser’s concern for his mom is deep than I thought. What’s worse is the next few lines Aunt Marissa tells us after.

She says, “Jessica and I decide to visit her. We tried. But we couldn’t because they guarded her cell. Anybody, including her friends, wasn’t allowed to get near her. Until the trial. Her last one before the court released a decision. When I heard the decision of death sentence, I couldn’t contain myself from crying too hard because of it.”

That explains her cries in the photo. She’s been desperate to talk to her. The government never chose not to listen and went on to their judgments.

She sobs as if Alexandra died yesterday. But it’s been a long time ago. The more I hear her agony, the more compelled I am to dig in deeper into the story. No matter how much I want a quick escape.

“That was also the last time I came in contact with her. Our last talk. Until the last minute before her death, we never got the chance to talk with her again.”

I glance at Kaiser, still holding his mom’s arm. He rises to approach her and gives her a tight hug. "It feels so terrible." She mutters in Kaiser's chest.

My eyes remain at them. Kaiser's face seems to tell me his desire to resolve his mom's long struggle. Both Aunt Jessica and her need to move on. I couldn’t stop the feeling of guilt and shame inside me. I never realized how greedy I am to get an A grade using Alexandra’s story. I underrate the people’s pains for my personal gain.

“I’m sorry we have to talk about her, Aunt Marissa,” I approach to give her a photo of the three of them, taken twenty years ago. July 1998 at San Nicholas University Student Council office. Alexandra, at the center, Jessica and Marissa on the sides.

After Kaiser sends his mom back to her bedroom, he heads downstairs to the main entrance where I wait. In deep thoughts. Having a sight on the pitch black surroundings and glancing at my wristwatch, I ponder of what’s to come.

It’s four o’clock in the morning.