Avery and I stand around silently for a while. She smokes and I drink. I try to sip fast and soon enough, I've finished my refill.

"Damn, chug," she says.

"Thanks," I mumble since I'm not really sure how else to respond. "I drank a lot when I was living at home."

I lean on the opposite railing. The alcohol’s starting to go to my head, which is what I wanted. At least I'm not worrying about shit I can't change any more.

"Were you a partier?" she asks with a laugh.

"Not even... shit was just hard to deal with."

She looks like she wants to ask more questions, but she doesn't.

"Ah," is all she says. "I'm sorry to hear that."

“It’s whatever,” I shrug. “Cameron and I were talking about it last weekend.”

“Right,” Avery bobs her head and ashes her cigarette. “When you guys all went out to dinner? How’d you fare at that by the way?”

“Eh, okay. People didn’t really talk to me.”

Avery smirks. “Oh no? Well, they’re not the friendliest bunch.”

“You can say that again… the girl sitting next to me was awful.”

“Who was it?”

I don’t remember her name, but I know what she looked like.

“Um, she had a buzz cut…” I describe.

“Oh, Lydia!” Avery interjects with a laugh. “Yeah, she’s a hardass. What’d she do?”

“Nothing really, just…” I shift from one foot to another. “She kept giving me a hard time. She was giving Cameron a hard time, too.”

“They don’t really get along,” Avery explains, seeming unfazed. “She thinks Cameron’s full of shit, which he is, but he’s my best friend so I kind of have to side with him.”

I nod at that. I guess it makes sense that they’re best friends. They’re always together, but at the same time, they argue a lot. It’s so weird. If I had a best friend, I wouldn’t want our relationship to be like theirs. I’d want us to just be…nice.

“She had a serious attitude,” I add.

“Yep, that’s Lydia for you,” Avery says simply. “Did you end up having fun at all?”

“No…” I admit, “I was uncomfortable the entire time.”

Avery lets out a piteous laugh. “Yeah, it’s hard to loosen up around those dicks. I don’t really like hanging out with them either.”

“D’you think Cameron is mad at me?” I decide to ask since it’s still on my mind.

“No,” Avery says with a chuckle.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes!” she insists. “He’s just being uptight. You’ll see him later on and he’ll be totally fine.”

“Okay,” I reply, trying my best to believe her.

I must sound unconvinced because she rolls her eyes at me.

“Come on,” she says, putting her cigarette out in the snow. “We’ll go find him now. I promise it’s fine. He’s always like this.”

She heads inside and I follow after her, hoping I don’t look too much like a lost little lamb. The house has gotten packed and I can’t really see through the crowd, but Avery towers over most people, myself included.

We wander around for a minute before we make it into the living room and Avery chimes, “Found him!”

Cameron’s leaning against the wall, talking to a guy I don’t recognize. The guy is handsome… really handsome. He’s good looking in a very stereotypical way. I can’t help but wonder what Cameron’s relationship with him is. Nonetheless, when Cameron spots us, he exchanges a few words with the guy and then ditches him, heading towards me and Avery.

“Who was that?” Avery asks.

“Just a guy in one of my classes,” Cameron says vaguely. “He’s good. I like his work, but he’s not particularly adventurous with it.”

“Adventurous?” she makes a face.

“He doesn’t take risks.”

I don’t take risks, either. Cameron’s probably noticed that. He seems to notice things like this about everyone. Part of me wants his advice on my work because I think it would make me better…but another part of me doesn’t think I could handle the criticism.

“Ah, got it,” Avery says, tilting her head towards me. “Look, you gotta tell Rudolf you’re not mad about him being late. He’s bugging out over it.”

I freeze up. Why did she have to say it like that? Now I sound high-strung as hell for not letting it go.

Cameron gives me a critical look.

“It’s fine, man,” he says after a moment.

I breathe a quiet sigh of relief.

“Okay, good. Just...I’m really sorry,” I say, feeling the need to justify myself a little after Avery’s crappy explanation. “I didn’t think you’d be there right at nine...but now that I know you like to be on time, I’ll make sure that I won’t make you wait again.”

He lets out a cynical chuckle. “All right, if you say so,” he shrugs. “I’m holding you to that.”

Talking to him doesn’t make me feel that much better, but I think this is as good as it’s going to get. I excuse myself and head to the kitchen to mix myself another drink. Avery and Cameron follow after me a minute later.

“He can hold his liquor,” Avery comments to Cameron.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she confirms with a laugh. “I’m impressed.”

I just want to be drunk. Really drunk. I don’t say that, though. I keep my mouth shut this time.

Cameron laughs and puts a hand on the center of my back. “Well, be careful there.”

“Always am,” I insist, but it’s such a blatant lie. I’m never careful.

“Want to mix me one too?” Cameron peers over my shoulder at the array of alcohol sitting on the counter.

“Sure, what do you want?”

“Just whatever you’re having. I want to know what you like.”

I was planning on having straight-up gin, but something tells me that’s not what he means.

“Uh, do you like grapefruit?” I ask, spotting a carton of juice sitting a little closer to the fridge.

“Yeah,” he nods.

I grab the juice and add a splash of it to a few shot-glasses worth of alcohol. I hand the cup off to Cameron and then add a little juice to my drink too for good measure.

He takes a sip of the mix and doesn’t look disgusted. That’s a good sign. I’d feel stupid if he hated what I made for him. I’ve never mixed someone else a drink before apart from my dad and he liked his liquor on the rocks, so it didn’t take much effort. As long as I got the ratio right, everything was fine.

“Not bad,” Cameron cracks a smile. “You like your drinks strong, yeah?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

“Are you already drunk?”

“Uh… not really,” I say. “Just a bit.”

“If you say so. Your face is all flushed, for the record.”

I put a hand on my cheek. It feels warm.

“Don’t worry, you little lush,” Avery cuts in with a curt laugh, pouring herself some more whiskey. “I’m getting there, too.”

“I don’t think I’ll be able to drive home after this,” Cameron matches her attitude, indicating the drink I made him. “We’ll have to get an Uber or something.”

Shit, well, I guess I set the tone for the night. I hope Avery doesn’t actually think I’m an alcoholic. I wonder if I’m coming off that way. I would slow down but I’m already in too deep.

The three of us hang around in the kitchen a while longer and eventually, Avery asks me to make her a drink too. I mix the same thing I did for Cameron and she downs it like a champ. A little after midnight, we’re all pretty drunk. I can tell. I’m probably the most trashed, but I’m trying to keep it together. I don’t want to do anything stupid, but it’s inevitable at this point.

After refilling our drinks one more time, we find seats on a sofa. I sit in the middle with Avery on my right and Cameron on my left.

“I wish Rose would’ve come,” Avery says, mooning over her girlfriend.

“She’s not into parties,” Cameron responds. “Never was, even in high school.”

“Not surprising,” she snorts. “She’s a bookworm, between you and me.”

Cameron laughs. “Yeah, that’s Rose.”

I don’t really know what to say to any of this, so I just sit and listen. I keep drinking my drink. I’m at the point where everything feels fuzzy but in a pleasant way.

“I still can’t believe she even likes me,” Avery continues. “Especially after being all desperate and following Angelica around like a puppy dog for so fucking long.”

That must be the girl she was telling me about earlier. Her best friend who was straight. I feel like that must have been hard.

“You know, me neither,” Cameron chuckles. “Rose is too good for your sorry ass.”

“Seriously though,” she rolls her eyes.

“Are you and Angelica still friends?” I decide to interject, and when I do Avery looks surprised to discover that I’m actually listening.

“Um, not really,” she admits. “I went off to college and kind of just…had to get away from all of that.”

That’s fair. I can relate. Besides, it’s hard to get over someone if you’re still in contact.

“Plus she turned out to be a real jerk,” Avery tacks on. “I eventually told her I was into her because I felt like I was living this big lie and she got all grossed out. I wasn’t expecting anything from her, I was just trying to be honest! She even knew I was a lesbian before then, so it’s not like it was some big surprise all at once!”

“Some straight people are like that, though,” Cameron snorts. “They say, Oh, that’s cool, just don’t get a crush on me! Ha-ha-ha! Like, gross. I don’t want your sorry, crusty ass.”

“I guess so,” Avery agrees, wrinkling her nose. “It’s disappointing, though.”

“I hear you,” Cameron murmurs.

“Did you always know you liked girls?” I decide to ask Avery, trying to take part in the conversation.

She nods. “I didn’t ever really hide it, y’know? I was pretty young when I told my dad and he was cool about it. I think he was actually relieved.” She pauses and laughs, adding, “He thinks guys are jerks.”

“We are jerks,” Cameron cackles, taking another sip of his drink and glancing towards me. “So what about you, Rudy? Did you always know you liked guys?”

Before I have the chance to react, Avery tilts her head at me.

“Are you gay?” she asks.

“Um,” I mumble, wishing Cameron hadn’t just spit it out like that. “Yeah, I am.”

“Cool,” she says flatly.

It doesn’t sound like she knew beforehand. She must not be as observant as Cameron. Although, observant of what? I’m still not sure.

“It’s kind of complicated,” I go on to answer the question. “I thought I was gay for a while…then I didn’t. Then I did again, and that was a while ago…so, I’m pretty sure I am, I guess?”

“Well, haven’t you been with guys?” Cameron asks like it’s the simplest thing in the world.

Unfortunately, it’s not. 

“Yeah…” I say, feeling a bit shy.

“And did you like it?”

The question makes me uncomfortable. I open my mouth to respond, but then I stop myself. I don’t want to say something stupid or mean. I don’t want to screw things up all over again, but I also don’t want to tell the truth.

I put a hand on my forehead. “I don’t know!” I say impatiently. “The guys I’ve been with were probably just shitty in bed. I wasn’t even involved with any of them. They weren’t my boyfriends or anything. They were just random men. It’ll probably be different when I’m dating the right guy.”

“What’s your kill count?” Cameron pries, somehow unfazed by what I just shared.

Ugh. I hate that question. It’s so invasive and I don’t know why things like that even matter to people. I never know how to answer. So, I just shrug and stare into my drink, taking a sip.

“Mine’s forty-seven,” he says like it’s the most impressive thing in the world and Avery gives him an irritated look.

I wonder if it makes her feel bad when he brags like that. There’s really nothing wrong with the fact that Rose is her first. Cameron keeps staring at me expectantly, but I don’t really want to say anything. I guess I’ll just tell him something vague.

“Yeah…” I murmur. “Like… double that...”

Avery almost spits out her drink.

“He’s got you beat, Cameron!” she exclaims with a condescending laugh.

“Seriously?” he asks in disbelief. “A hundred?!”

“More or less.”

It’s actually more, but there’s no way in hell I’m admitting that.

“Jesus Christ,” he says. “You’re kind of easy, aren’t you?”

He says it like a joke, but I don’t know if he’s really joking.

“Guess so,” I respond, not really caring either way because it’s pretty much true.

Avery lets out a groan. “Cam, for fuck’s sake.”

“I’m kidding,” Cameron insists. “Lighten up.” He looks back at me and then asks, “How did you even meet that many people? You said you had no friends.”

“Well, I don’t… but I knew some people. They weren’t friends.”

“Then what were they?”

“Convenient.”

I don’t really want to talk about any of this. It makes me look bad. It makes me look really screwed up. I’m already sharing more than I planned and I’m going to regret it when I’m sober.

“So, um, when did you come out?” I decide to ask Cameron before he can reply. I desperately want to change the subject as far away from me as possible.

“I didn’t,” he says bitterly. “My mom just decided to fucking spy on me one day and went through my text messages.”

“Oh, wow, that sucks,” I reply, and Avery makes a face.

“I still can’t believe your mom did that,” she shakes her head. “What an invasion of privacy.”

“It was bullshit,” Cameron says. “I’m still mad about it.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up a sensitive subject,” I apologize awkwardly.

Jeez. Why do I always end up in situations like this? I feel like I always drag out people's worst memories.

“It’s fine, it’s whatever. My mom’s just a fucking control freak.”

“Sounds like it,” I agree easily, not wanting to stir the pot. “Is she...cool about it now?”

“She was always cool about it I guess,” he grumbles. “She just chastised the hell out of me for not saying anything sooner. As if I would have wanted to say anything! Crazy bitch…I mean, I was fourteen, I had enough to deal with.”

“It’s good that they weren’t homophobic or something, but yeah, so lame,” Avery says with a shrug.

He just gives her this dull look and then looks at me, asking, “Were your parents cool with you, Rudy?”

“Oh, they don’t care. Maybe they still don’t even know. I have no idea.”

“You’re not close with them, huh?” Avery asks.

“Not at all,” I confirm. “I haven’t spoken to them since I left California and I doubt I’ll ever speak to them again. They were… fucked up.” 

Frankly, I like it better this way. Sometimes I miss them when I’m feeling particularly bad about myself, but I know it’s all for the best. If I stayed in California, I don’t really know where life would have taken me. Maybe a shelter when I finally got tired enough of my parents’ shit. Who the hell knows where I would have gone from there.

“You mentioned that the other night,” Cameron brings up.

I hold my drink up to my lips. I want to tell him that’s because I didn’t want to talk about it, but I don’t. I keep my mouth shut.

“They’re not helping me at all with school,” I decide to reveal instead, “I have some scholarships but mostly I’m talking out a fuck ton of student loans.”

Avery grimaces at that. “I’m in the same boat,” she says, “my dad just straight up can’t afford it. It’s cool that you got some scholarships though. The school doesn’t really tend to do that.”

Cameron gets annoyed at that for some reason. “They do if you actually apply for them,” he explains with an eye roll.

“Okay, well, I’m not talented enough to get one anyway,” Avery huffs in response.