I can’t.

Here it was again. The age-old battle, the struggle I faced nearly every day. My heart was hammering in my chest, leaving me breathless and trembling. I could hear it, my pulse rushing in my ears. Clenching my hands into fists, I tried to control the shaking, pulling in deep breaths like I’d been told. It didn’t help much.

“Come on. You can do it. It’s not that hard,” I murmured the words to myself, trying to be encouraging. It allowed me to take a step forward, reach one hand out- and freeze solid, my throat tightening so that it was nearly impossible to breath, much less try to keep up my pep talk.

But I can’t.

I swallowed hard, and found my words again. “It’s right there. Just on the other side. It’s not like the thing is going to bite you. You’ll be okay.”

It won’t. But who’s to say what will happen on the other side?

My doubt and fear had a good point. I couldn’t say what would happen. And that was why this charade played out every day. I would pretend I could do it, and for a good half hour or so would stand there paralyzed with fear until I eventually gave up and slunk back to my room. It was a little pathetic, and I knew it. I would admit it the second somebody asked. But that didn’t change anything.

Logically, I knew it wouldn’t hurt me to take hold of the silver door knob that I had never touched before. A slight twist and pull would open the door so I could walk outside. I lived in an apartment building, so it would just be a hallway. All I needed was a few steps, because the delivery men knew to leave the packages right outside my door where they could be easily seen and reached. It wouldn’t kill me. Wouldn’t even hurt me. It was just a door, a hallway, and a package I wanted so badly I had waited two months for the signed, limited edition print of this book.

But what about them?

And there lay my actual problem. I could deal with the door; I opened the doors in my apartment a dozen times a day with no problem. It wasn’t the hallway, either, I had a short one that led to my laundry room. And it certainly wasn’t the package. No, it was them.

Filthy, dirty things with grabby hands and gruesome smiles. Nasty creatures that could- and would- hurt me if given the slightest opportunity.

What if one of them touches me?

The urge to be sick, even at the thought of something so horrifying, had me taking a step away from the door on instinct. What if they did? What would I do? Dissolving into a screaming, sobbing mess of hysteria would probably land me in a mental hospital, and I couldn’t write there. I’d tried before- it didn’t work out for the two days before I was rescued. And I couldn’t fight back, either; not only would I have to touch them more, but I wasn’t really built for fighting.

My body didn’t deserve the glare I gave it. Were I any other person, I might have liked the soft, slender build I’d been born with. Saying I was average height was exaggerating, and I was slim almost to the point of being emaciated, only halfway because I didn’t eat much. I’d always been naturally skinny. A fact which I wasn’t fond of any more than the delicate porcelain color of my soft skin, or the baby doll cast of my features that drove me nearly insane. Would it have been too much to ask to look at least a little like the man I was? Maybe I should have dyed my soft blonde hair rather than letting it grow out to hide my face in gentle curls, but how else was I supposed to hide my eyes?

I was getting distracted, and I knew it. My eyes had nothing to do with the nasty creatures that lurked outside my door. I doubted they were waiting to devour me, but I didn’t trust my luck. The day I risked going out, they would find me. I knew it in the most illogical way.

“God…” The word tremored out of my mouth. My hands balled into fists at my side, and I forced myself to take deep breaths; in through my nose, out through my mouth, the same as always. I was fine. “I can do this.

Because I can, can’t I? There’s nothing stopping me from going out there.

Nothing, except the things I feared most in the world: people. There were people out there, people with hands that could touch me, arms and legs that could brush against me even when they didn’t mean to. People like Mrs. Ewan, the single lady at the end of the hall who always grabbed at my hands and tried to convince me to go out to drink with her- just one, she always begged, somehow unable to understand why it was impossible. And people like Mr. Nelson, the building attendant who always rubbed my head with a fond ‘hey there, kiddo’, despite the fact that I was past my twenties, which always had me scrubbing my hair until I was bleeding.

I shuddered at the thought of it, taking another step back from my door like it would open on its own and reveal one of those gruesome creatures I tried to desperately to avoid. I couldn’t stand it, even the thought of skin brushing against skin, corruption quickly spreading and- I was losing control of my calm breathing, starting to dissolve into the panic attack that was almost always the result of these attempts.

“Come on, Joe, you can do this!” I lectured myself, relaxing my hands out of their clenched fists and schooling my features into the determined expression of somebody who had no problem going two feet outside his apartment to fetch his long awaited package, phobia be damned.

My first few steps were confident, and I even managed to put a smile on my face. But the closer I got to the door, to the hallway, to the people, the harder it got. Until it felt like I was walking through molasses, struggling just to put one foot in front of the other. My heart was racing, pounding a furious beat in my ears, and I was sorely tempted to turn around and burrow under my covers until it stopped.

“No,” I snapped the word at myself, frowning heavily. “You can do this. You have to do this. Stop being such a wuss.”

Despite my firm words, my hand shook when I reached out for the door. The metal knob was cool under my hand as my fingers curled tightly around it… and stopped. I shut my eyes tightly and counted out five carefully measured breath, before I forced myself to twist my wrist. It took a few moments for my body to actually respond, but my hand moved, and the door came open.

I froze, and took another few breaths before I managed to step forward. Peeking my head just past the door, I cast suspicious glances to either side of the hall. “Clear,” I murmured, assuring myself there wasn’t any nasty creature hiding themselves and waiting to pounce. It gave me the confidence to step outside.

I left the door slightly ajar after an internal debate. It scared me, the idea that somebody might push past me to barge into my sacred space, the only place where I felt safe from the constant attacks. But far more terrifying was the idea that I would be trapped between a foul creature and my door. Unable to move as they reached out a filthy hand and touch me while I had no escape.

Clapping a hand over my mouth, I smothered the pathetic noise that had tried to escape. “Come on. You can do this. It’s right there.”

The package was right there, within arm’s reach. I felt a strange glowing sense of triumph as I inched over to it. My foot nudged the cardboard, and something eased its grip on my heart. A sigh of relief passed my lips as I leaned over. My fingers brushed the cardboard, and I thought I was safe. I was so hopeful.

And it shattered the moment the door across from me started to open. Terrified, I froze like a deer in headlights as the door opened the rest of the way to reveal a dark-haired thing that could violate me with its slender hands.

“Oh!” It sounded startled, and my heart clenched tightly. “Hey there. 3B, right? I don’t think I’ve met you before, you hardly come out of your apartment. I was beginning to think you didn’t exist at all.” It was probably meant to be charming, but that smile looked to me like a predator anticipating devouring his prey. Especially when paired with him taking a step toward me.

I couldn’t speak, my heart lodged in my throat as it tried to escape before it, too, could be touched by such a disgusting creature. My hands hit the wall, and I kept going until my back was pressed against it. One hand flailed to the side, trying to find the open space where my door had been left open. Slowly inching to the side, I kept my wide eyes centered on the beast in front of me, ready to lose my mind at the slightest hint that he might lunge for me.

“Are you alright, 3b? You look like you’re going to be sick. Can I get you anything?” Concern creased his forehead, but I didn’t care. He could pretend to be kind all he wanted, but it didn’t change the fact that he was a monster.

There! My hand finally went past the wall to meet no resistance. Flailing through empty air, instead, and I barely choked back the sob of relief. I flung myself in the direction of the doorway, nearly falling flat on my face as I hurled myself into the apartment.

The thing in the hallway made a startled noise, and took a step forward; I slammed the door on him. There was silence after that, blessed silence which meant I was safe and nobody could touch me. It was broken by the monster’s voice, annoyingly bright and cheerful. “Well I’ll see you later, then, 3B. Feel better!”

I pressed my back to the door, my heart still thundering in my chest as I listened carefully for the heavy footsteps of the nasty thing as he left. Only when I couldn’t hear the footsteps anymore did I let out the breath I was holding.

That was close. The intense waved of relief had my legs giving out, and I slid down the door. Curled on the floor, with my knees pressed up against my chest and my face hidden against my crossed arms, I tried to relax.

I didn’t even get the package. I choked an unsteady laugh, and it quickly turned to tears as I cried out the horrible tension that could have snapped me. I had tried, but I didn’t know why I had expected any other outcome. No matter how brave I thought I could be, I always ended up the same huddle, shivering mess on the floor.

And that was the one thing which was never going to change.