"You have to tell Luke"

"I really can't.

I'm not trying to lead him on

but I need to figure this thing out first.

Please understand me."

"Okay, figure it out.

But tell him this weekend."

"This weekend?! You can't make me do that!"

"I'm not forcing you but he has a right to know. If you don't tell him this weekend, I will."

"Kat!

Please don't!

You can't actually be serious?!

Kat?"

The line of texts we'd exchanged Friday evening haunted me all Saturday. I didn't know what to do and could think of nothing else. For the most part I just hid away in my room either trying to figure out what to do or trying to figure out how to distract myself.

The think is, I kind of already knew what I'd end up doing. I just didn't like it. Kat hadn't left me a lot of options so I knew I had to talk to Luke. I just didn't know how. His reaction wouldn't be good, I was certain of that, which left me wondering how bad exactly it would be. Which was something I did not want to think about. At all.

"Ah, fuck it." I muttered, clapping shut the book I'd been trying to read - emphasis on trying. Before I could change my mind I snatched up my phone and typed a message to Luke.

"Hey! Could we maybe meet up + talk tomorrow? It's kinda urgent…"

Before I could see if he answered I shut off my phone again and threw it on the bed, away from me.

Over the next two hours I tried my best to continue reading but my thoughts kept drifting towards my phone not unlike a moth flying towards the light -artificial lamps mind you, nothing that could actually beneficial for the moth. After realising I'd only read three pages in half an hour and had absolutely no idea what those three pages contained I gave up and approached my phone, ignoring the prevalent thought that a lot of insects died because they burned themselves once coming in contact with the light-source. I must've looked crazy, sneaking towards my phone like it was a wild animal about to devour me. I felt crazy too, telling myself I wasn't an insect and my phone wasn't a deathly heat-beaming monster.

Luke's answer was ridiculously simple, not at all something that could justify the weird sense of fear I had felt just moments before.

"Sure, sounds serious.

Everything okay?"

That was it. Of course his answer would be harmless, I told myself, he had no idea what all this was about. Still, my fingers trembled when I wrote out my reply. And deleted it. And wrote it again. Deleted it. Rewrote it. And then, just to finally get it over with, hit send.

"I'm fine.

Could we meet at your house? Around 3 maybe?"

The answer came back in seconds.

"Ok"

I stared at my screen, motionless, fingers still shaking, heartbeat only slowly returning back to normal. This was it. There was no turning back now. I now couldn't stress out about how I when and how I wanted to meet him which made room for a far bigger, far more terrifying question.

How on earth should I tell him?

It was 2.55 pm and I was jittery with nerves. I'd barely slept the night before and no amounts of concealer could cover the dark circles adorning my eyes. My behaviour could probably be labeled overreacting but I was to busy freaking out to care.

This shouldn't be this hard.

I didn't deserve it to be this hard.

Three deep breaths and a lot of fake mental encouragement later I finally rung the doorbell. A familiar chime sounded, followed by footsteps nearing the door.

"Hey Avery! Luke's in his room, just walk through." Luke's sister Fiona seemed to be on her way out, not really paying attention to me, busy with shrugging on her coat. In the six months I'd been with Luke we never really got to talk alone and I've always had the sense she didn't really care about either of us to begin with so I never tried to get closer to her. Now though, I wondered how she'd react. The thought of her hating me as well, someone I'd never really been close to, left a bitter taste in my mouth. Don't overreact, I told myself. You haven't even talked to Luke yet.

Luke was sitting in his bed when I came in, eyes closed and headphones on. His passion on music was one of the things I really liked about him. While I liked to listen to music, Luke loved it. Listening to music for him wasn't just hearing some random radio songs in the background, it was something he liked to actively do. He'd spend entire afternoons like that, sitting somewhere quiet and peaceful, concentrating only on the songs coming from his headphones. I wondered if I was about to ruin a song for him. Wondered if he'd look back to this day and remember the amazing song that had been playing just before his girlfriend told him she was a lesbian. That thought alone almost made me back out and just deal with everything later but in that moment Fiona slammed the door shut on her way out and Luke looked up, seeing me still standing in the doorframe. A smile spread over his face and I couldn't help but feel incredibly guilty. I couldn't believe he didn't realise something was incredibly wrong from the moment I opened my mouth but he remained happy if somewhat curious and concerned. It was only when I started the attempt to tell him that he realised something really was wrong.

"Um… I don't really know how to tell you this… I still don't really know if this is a good idea I barely know what I'm feeling myself-" I stammered, trying to find a good way into the topic. Considering I'd been obsessing over how to do this for the last twelve hours I was doing a pretty crappy job.

"Wait… are you… breaking up with me?" 
"What? No! I mean, I guess, maybe but that's not the point."

"Not the point? How could you breaking up with me not be the point?" I realised that somewhere this conversation had taken a wrong turn and Luke was already mad before I had even started talking. Great.

"Just… let me explain, okay?" He crossed his arms and looked at me expectantly but remained quiet.

"I realised something recently. I mean, I've been realising it for a while now but didn't want to think about it. Was afraid it might be true I guess. Well, anyways, I was talking to Kat and Lacey and kinda realised something. It's really not that big of a deal and I really hope you don't get mad, I swear I didn't know and I didn't even want to tell you but Kat said I had to or she would do it…"

"Avery! Just tell me." I stopped, wishing I could just start this whole thing over.

"Sorry. I guess what I'm trying to say is… I'm… gay?" I didn't mean for it to sound like a question but I couldn't help my voice from getting higher during that last part. I looked up at Luke, trying to read his emotions but his face revealed nothing. He let his arms fall beside his body and the motion made me flinch. The silence seemed to last forever and I started to wonder if I'd get a reaction at all or if that would just be it. Him, ignoring me, until I left. When he finally opened his mouth to talk I was relieved before I even knew what he was going to say.

"You're telling me this now? After six months?" The accusation in his voice made me involuntarily back away a step.

"I'm sorry. But I told you, I didn't realise it."

"Didn't realise it? Really? You're gay and you just didn't realise it during six months of making out with a guy?" I didn't know what to say. Framed like that it sounded ridiculous, like a lame excuse a really bad person might offer as a last resort. Maybe I was a bad person.

"I really am sorry. And I never even thought of it as a possibility, you were my first ever relationship, I didn't know how I was supposed to feel." I could tell he wasn't buying anything I was telling him so I stopped talking. The feeling of being on trial awaiting judgement intensified as I waited for him to reply.

"You said you didn't want to tell me?" I stared at him, not knowing what he was talking about but then I remembered my rambling earlier. Shit.

"I did, just… not right away. I only really put things together on Friday and even then didn't really know how to feel. I guess I just wanted some time to figure it all out before explaining myself to others you know?"

"No, I don't. You wanted some time before telling your _boyfriend_ of six fucking months that you're gay? Seriously?"

"Well, you know now, don't you?"

"I just… really can't believe this." At some point during our conversation he'd started pacing around, making me really nervous. I considered asking him to stop but just then he stopped right in front of me.

"So, what do you expect to happen now? We're obviously broken up but what do you want now?" His words were laced with bitterness and I wished I could be mad at him for it but I couldn't. In a way, I understood were he was coming from, even though I didn't like it.

"I don't know. I would love to stay friends…" His snort was an unmistakable answer.

"I guess not then… What do you want to happen now?"

"I can't answer that right now. I think… I think I need some time alone before I can answer that." The message was clear and I headed towards his door, trying to hold back the hot tears that were building up. But I only made it to his doorframe before stopping. I turned around to find Luke staring at me, disbelief still written all over his face. 
"Could you maybe… not tell anyone this? The… gay thing I mean?" Luke wasn't really the type of guy to gossip but then again, he was pretty angry. And he'd never admit that he got dumped to his friends…

"Oh yeah, _sure_." The sentence dripped with sarcasm which only caused the lump in my throat to get worse. I didn't press the issue, not wanting to start sobbing now.

"Bye." My voice cracked and I finally hurried out the room. Luke just watched me, offering no further goodbye.

For the second time that week I found myself stumbling to my car, eyes already red and puffy again and not trusting myself to drive. This time I didn't wait though. I knew I was being stupid and restless but I couldn't stand crying in Luke's driveway a second longer so I started driving, ignoring the tears blocking my vision. We lived pretty close next to each other, a drive to the others house taking a maximum of five minutes - I usually opted for walking to his house but I'd been eager to get it over with - and I could probably drive the route in my sleep. Nevertheless, by the time I pulled into my own driveway, arriving home alive and in one piece felt like a miracle. I rummaged my purse for my keys, pulling up my nose as I did so and then, finally, was back in the comfort of my home. The absence of my moms car outside suggested she was still out running errands and not home to witness me breaking down and asking questions. I could hear the sound of a saw, telling me my dad was probably in his little work station in the basement, tinkering with some spare parts, sparing me a weird encounter with him as well. Still, I tried to keep my sobbing to a minimum as I crept upstairs, closing and locking the door behind me. Only then did I allow myself to loose it completely, sobbing into a pillow and finally wallowing in self pity.