My reflection stared back at me and even though I knew the notion was ridiculous I couldn't help but think that it seemed to be mocking me as I tried to fit the skirt over my thighs. I knew I wasn't ugly, in fact I could be considered pretty. My five foot two could easily be hidden by platforms and I knew my curves were attractive no matter how insecure I got about my love-handles. I had pretty good skin except for the occasional pimple and I had big eyes and nice - if a bit boring and average - brown hair, so overall I really couldn't complain.

And yet I hated the process of picking out what to wear, the moment I realised I didn't own any clothes and the ones I did own suddenly didn't seem to fit me the way I felt they should anymore. What I hated even more though was shopping. More specifically, shopping with Kat and Lacey. When watching them it seemed like the easiest thing in the world and yet when I tried it, it felt like a chore. I hated that I always ended up putting more things back than keeping and the items I did end up with were mostly thanks to Kat tossing me some things that were currently in style and would look good on me. They did look good on me, I had to give Kat that. But I still didn't really like the pieces I ended up buying, although I never told the two that.

The skirt I was currently trying on was too small, even though it had been labeled large which usually always fit if it wasn't too big on me and I could already feel myself growing increasingly frustrated. I didn't really think of myself as fat but shopping in stores that tried to pretend that everyone was a size zero and "one size fits all" was possible or even a good idea always put me in a bad mood sooner or later. I always left there feeling like the unwanted of us three, the one that no one had in mind when designing clothes which then in turn felt like no on had someone like me in mind when thinking of a person.

Pretty deep rabbit hole to fall into every single time when shopping right? Now try doing that and still feign enthusiasm when going into said stores and you have a pretty good idea of what shopping trips with Kat and Lacey felt like. It was probably my fault - I could probably tell them how I felt and they would do everything in their power to make sure I didn't feel that way in the future - but for some reason my cheeks got hot and my pulse quickened every time I just thought about doing just that.

That was why I kept smiling when put the skirt on the return stack and joined Kat and Lacey without buying anything.

The best part of our way too frequent shopping trips was visiting the small cafe afterwards. We always went shopping in the town that was an hour drive away - the downside of living in a miniature town with no options - and had discovered the small, privately owned coffee shop on one of our first shopping trips and since then it had become a nonnegotiable part of our routine.

Every time we entered I couldn't help but realise how ridiculous we must look - three teenagers with more shopping bags than we could carry - and I tried very hard every time not to care what people thought of us. So what if people thought we were a bunch of artificial teenagers, only talking about boys and clothing? It never really worked, even though I knew it was nothing I should be embarrassed about.

We sat down in our usual corner, a sofa and a few chairs surrounding the table, obscured from sight by some plants. Even though we didn't really fit we all crammed onto the sofa, piling our bags onto the chairs.

The barista came to take our order. She couldn't have been much older than any of us and her orange checkered uniform fit her auburn hair perfectly. The kind smile on her face seemed actually genuine, reaching her piercing blue eyes. My staring was interrupted by an elbow to the side and I felt myself blush.

"One latte macchiato please." I finally sputtered out. The barista didn't seem to care about my weird behaviour, she continued smiling as she walked away to get our orders. I however only fully got back to my senses when she disappeared behind a corner.

"What was that all about?" Lacey questioned. I didn't quite know how to answer. What had that been about? The barista had been gorgeous, sure, but that didn't really explain anything. I had a boyfriend for gods sake. And yet I never got flustered like that around boys. Girls on the other hand… I pushed the thought back, hated that it was getting harder and harder to ignore the sneaking suspicion building up, forming into something very much certain. Before I could successfully bury the thought Tessa popped up in my head which only made me try to think about something else even more. Lacey and Kat were still expectantly awaiting an answer so I shrugged. 
"I don't know. Just got lost in thought I guess." Neither of them seemed convinced by my mediocre answer but they let the topic go, redirecting the conversation towards a movie that was coming out soon.

The barista came back with our drinks and I made a point to not stare at her, only muttering a thanks when she set my drink down.

"Has Luke finally asked you to be his date for the winter formal?" Kat asked, while sipping on her latte macchiato. It took me a second to realise that they had changed topics again and that the question was directed at me. I really was somewhere else today.

"He hasn't exactly asked me but we're going together. He already asked if our outfits should be matching." I'd been really relieved that Luke hadn't specifically asked me to be his date. Things were fine again - great even - and I didn't really like those kind of corny traditions anyways. I felt comfortable around Luke again. He hadn't tried anything since we had made up a week ago and I was making sure not to send him any false signals.

"Well, that's good enough, I suppose." Lacey said, clearly disappointed by the lack of romance in the story.

"Isn't the night supposed to be the romantic part not the weeks before?" I asked jokingly, hoping the topic would change again soon.

"Sure but that doesn't mean he can't ask you with some romantic gesture. Abel asked me by laying out a question mark made out of roses on his bed before…" her cheeks went red and Lacey started teasing Kat by trying to pry as many details as possible.

Unfortunately, the conversation veered back to me sooner than I liked. Kat, obviously trying to get the attention off of her again, turned to me.

"So, you think you and Luke will… do it after winter formal? It would be the perfect first time." I could see how some sort of wicked plan was already forming in the heads of my two friends so I tried shutting that down as fast as possible.

"No! Don't even go there." Unfortunately, that only increased their mischievous grins. "Guys, seriously I don't want to sleep with Luke!" The sentence had come out with more force than intentioned.

"Wait? Like, ever?" Lacey's brows were furrowed and you could almost hear the wheels turning in both of their heads.

"Yeah. No. I don't know." They just looked at me, waiting for me to continue. "It's not that easy. I tried picturing it, I really did but I just can't. I… I'm not even sure if I like Luke like that."

"You mean you're not in love with him anymore?" I could only see that that would've been the perfect excuse when I already missed the chance to take it.

"I guess… but wouldn't I have that feeling towards someone else then?" The attention was on me for good now too late did I realise where this conversation was heading.

"You can't think of a single person you would like to sleep with?" Kat asked.

"Not a single guy… no." I shook my head and again realised my mistake a second too late. 
"Wait… when you say no guys, do you mean you are attracted to girls?" I didn't know what to say. How could I? I didn't even know the answer myself. But apparently the pause that ensued after Lacey's question spoke volumes.

"Oh my god. You like girls, don't you?" Kat asked, voice quiet as if afraid someone might hear.
"No! I don't…" The barista from earlier popped into my mind again. Followed by Tessa. Fuck.

I felt like I was going to die. My heart seemed to give up for a second or two and I had trouble breathing. My mind was completely blank and the previous sentence still hung in the air, unfinished.

Next to me, Kat and Lacey were staring at me, eyes wide open and mouth slightly agape. This would've been the perfect - and only - moment to announce that I was just kidding or at least continue denying it but my brain was still trying to process what had just happened. What I'd just admitted to. I hadn't even known for certain myself, the realisation of what I was dawning on my at the exact moment I had to explain myself about it. But now I knew it was true. I had probably always known somehow.

"Does Luke know?" The words coming from Kat's mouth didn't make sense. This couldn't be the most important thing to say. Right? I shook my head, no.

"You have to tell him!"

"I don't think you understand, Kat. Two minutes ago I didn't really think about it. Actually, I actively avoided it. And I didn't even know for sure. I mean, I still don't really know for sure." The only answer were blank stares.

"You can't seriously expect me to tell everyone before having figured it out myself. Why aren't you agreeing with me about this?" The silence seemed to stretch forever.

"I'm just not sure Avery. This is such a big secret and you never told us… it's like we don't even know you."

"Of course you know me! We've been best friends since second grade always did everything together… remember?" I suddenly felt hot and could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks.

"I don't know." Kat's voice was timid but I knew she was already distancing herself from me. And I couldn't even blame her.

"Lace?" I hated how pathetic I was in that moment, the way I was almost pleading with one of my best friends who now couldn't even meet my eyes.

"I'm sorry." She didn't say what for but I didn't want her to explain. Not really. I looked around the coffeeshop. It had always seemed comforting with the smell of coffee hanging in the air and calm indie music sounding over the speakers. There were only a few other people here, maybe five in total, most of them around our age but also a middle aged couple and a college student with a laptop. And suddenly I needed out. Now. Lacey and Kat just watched in silence as I gathered my bags, making sure I had my car keys, prying some money out of my bag and setting it on the table next to my half finished coffee and then heading out of the door without another word.

I was beyond thankful that I had my car back and that we'd driven separately, because Kat could only join us later, when I got to the parking lot. Just the idea of driving an hour in total silence with Lacey and Kat made me feel claustrophobic. By the time I was opening the drivers seat and throwing my bags on the backseat tears were streaming down my face, making it hard to see and forcing me to sit in my car for ten minutes to calm down before finally starting the car and heading towards the exit. I still didn't really know what had just happened just that it was bad. Sure, coming out might not be the biggest deal for some people, but those people clearly didn't live in the deeply conservative and religious town I lived in. The people were nice for the most part but when it came to sexuality they all seemed to agree: if you weren't straight, something was wrong with you. I couldn't count the times my parents had gossiped about Tessa and I really couldn't count the times someone at school had done.

And the thought of all that hatefulness now being directed towards me was more than a little unsettling. It was terrifying.