Anthony

The cold water is a blessing. I feel like the blood in my veins is on fire. My feet hurt, but it’s numbed for now as I scrub the glass out. Who does he think he is? Once the shower is over, I grab a towel, drying off before I vomit again into the toilet this time. Such a waste. I pull my sweats on, donning a plain black tee before I step out. He’s already started gathering the trash up and cleared some of it. As I gaze across the house I realize how terrible this has really gotten, but I don’t care. It isn’t my problem. I step out of the back door, shirking off into the dark to find somewhere else to disappear to.

It’s not like I fail to realize that everything’s fallen apart since he’s passed away. Everything just seems unimportant. There’s this shade of gray that is cast over the mundane parts of my life and even the brighter moments are dull as if you were painting it around me in pastel. I hustle down the road and turn the first corner I come to. I’m not really walking to the bar to drink, but the more people that are around me the better. It gives me this sense of blending in, like maybe I’m not actually wasting space. I turn down the final street, realizing that I’ve been jogging almost the whole time.

Kadence doesn’t really bother me. The only reason I hated him is now obsolete so it’s more like I have a distaste for him. Whether or not that is normal is the bigger question for me. I’ve spent the last few hours mulling it around in my head, but I’ve decided I don’t really care. I don’t care about anything anymore. To hell with it all if it means that I don’t have to spend one more moment wallowing in grief, but I know that solution I’ve been thinking of will fail me.

“What’s an adorable guy like you doing skulking around this bar so late? Shouldn’t someone have already whisked you away to their loft and made you their husband?” I can already hear Sean skipping up behind me before he even hangs his arm around my shoulder. “And you’ve freshly showered? I might even whisk you away myself.”

I remain silent, shrugging. Sean is this new aspect of my life. He’s like Kade, not really a friend and not really an enemy, but more than an acquaintance. At six feet tall he’s just barely shorter than me and his messy brown hair is short. His skin is a smooth and flawless milky chocolate color, likely the result of his vague ethnic background that he never talks about. If I had to guess, I’d assume he just likes to live his life on the edge and he’s abandoned his history and all of his family to do just that. It’s not much of a secret that Sean crashes on any couch or bed that’ll have him and he avoids any mention of home. It’s a bit sad, really, when I think about it. His heart is so rich and yet his soul is so heavy with a burden I can’t bother figuring out.

“Come with me, friend. Let’s talk.” Sean grabs my hand, skipping past the bar and leading me out to his less than impressive permanent motel room. “You look more bummed than usual. Sit and talk to me. You need some ears.”

“Nothing’s wrong other than I’m sobering up.” Everything’s wrong. Dante is gone. Kade is in my house, probably invading his room. And I’m sober and coherent, the last thing I want to be. I beg him with my eyes to help me. Put me out of my misery or make me forget it. Anything, and it’s almost like he can read my mind. Sean pushes his hands against my chest and crawls up the bed until he’s above me, a sad light in his eyes that doesn’t match the bright shine of his expression.

“A distraction then?” Distractions are his way of making things better, even though they usually make everything worse. Sean doesn’t face problems head on. He prefers to drown them out with sex, loud music, and running. A lot of running. And that’s what I see in his eyes, running. It’s so shattering how sad his eyes can look even when he’s smiling so brightly.

At this point I just go through the motions, blind to everything around me. Sean is more erotic, more into it than I am. Sometimes it seems like he has feelings outside of himself, although it’s usually false excitement and a smooth smile. The more I pay attention to him, the more I can feel my resolution cracking. It’s somewhat tucked away, hidden under a faded buzz and surrounded by long abandoned memories, but I can hear the snap of the first crack in the dam I’ve built to bury how I feel. It’s everything I love aching to push to the front of my mind. It’s all of the things that made me happy crawling around the wall that’s keeping him out of my mind. And just like that, it’s over and I’m crouched in the bottom of the shower, staring at the ceiling while the water hits my face. They say you can drown even when you are breathing air, that the small drops you inhale can fill your lungs. It’s possible that I’m counting on that to take me away from here, maybe I’ll see him again, or maybe it’ll be another purgatory that I get to experience.

As I walk back into the room, freshly showered and dressed, Sean is packing his belongings up and straightening everything together.

“Where are you going next?” The question seems to startle him and when he turns around I can mark this as the first day I’ve seen him cry. It makes me feel like I’m uncomfortable because it’s so far from his usual demeanor.

“I don’t know. Out of here. I can’t stay. Where are you going?” In moments his tears are whisked away and his playful smirk is once again where it normally rests.

“I guess I’ll wander to the bar, maybe the gym, maybe to the house.” We both know where I’m going.

“I have an idea. Let’s walk to your house and I’ll leave from there.”

My feet stumble across each other, fumbling beneath me like nervous puppies. I can’t be still. It is bad enough that I have Kadence at my house, I don’t want to add Sean into the mix. “No, I can make it okay.”

“I didn’t ask you, Anthony.” There’s a stern furrow in his brow and his tone of voice is more solid and almost concerned. When he grabs my hand, I just let him drag me along. Why not? It’s a waste no matter where I go.

As we walk to the house, his chatter reminds me of Dante. He’s babbling about something he made the other day and the sauce was perfect. Some dish he had wanted to make for a long time. His colorful laughter dances around the pair of us while he laughs at his own jokes, either oblivious to my silence or trying to fill it. It’s times like these where I feel the most at home, when I can close my eyes and pretend he’s still here. There’s never a better moment than in the middle of that laugh. It’s light and feathery, whipping across the wind and caressing every sore nerve until it’s smooth. He’s like poison. He’s the best thing to happen at the worst time and the more time I spend with him, the more addicted I feel. I know it’s not right to use him as a replacement, even worse to pretend he’s someone else. But Sean isn’t the most honest, either.

Even so, his hand is warm, his smile is warmer, and his company is enough.

On the other hand, when we enter the house, I’m shocked to find it spotless. Everything is in its own place. It looks lived in and taken care of. I feel a bit sick looking at how much it looks like a home when there’s no warmth to be found in any of the rooms. They’re empty and cold. The only room worth anything is his room and I’m afraid if I spend any time in there I might taint it. It won’t smell like him. It won’t feel like him.

“Oh, looky look who decided to come back. You’re out of luck, I’ve already cleaned it all.” When Kade comes around the corner, his face hardens to stone and a dark cloud surrounds the room. “Who are you?” His words spit like venom.

“Sean. Anthony is my buddy. I saved him from the bar, so you’ve me to thank for seeing him again this week.” There’s a softening to the tension and I can see Kade’s shoulders roll back down from his attack stance.

“That means you’re on my side for sobering him up?” Pleading. Uncomfortable pleading, how uncharacteristic of him.

“Not quite. I’m about to hit the road and find somewhere else to stay.” Sean shrugs away the last part as if it were a common occurrence. Like he is one of many wandering travelers that come through here.

“Stay here.” I squeeze the hand that’s holding mine still, unaware of how it seems or how he’s looking at me.

“I couldn’t stay here, Anthony. This is a real home. I don’t do homes and stuff. You know that.” His smile is once again beaming in front of a fake face.

Shut up, Sean. Just stay. I need you to stay. Just say it, Anthony. Get those words out and say it. “I need to stay.” I clear my throat, letting go of his hand and crossing my arms, shuffling around on my feet again. “I would like you to stay. I need you to stay if I’m going to sober up. I don’t want to do this alone.”

The glimmer behind his eyes is dim at first, peeking from behind a safety net. “But you have him.” He nods towards Kade.

“That’s Kadence. We aren’t that close. Old enemies turned acquaintances. Somehow. I don’t know. I don’t even care. I was just offering because you need a place to stay. And here is as good as any place else. If you want to skip town and disappear, be my guest.” Irritation? Maybe it’s just frustration. Whichever it is, I’m feeling more than a little bit of it. I sound like such a spoiled jerk. Take it back. He’s going to decline now. He definitely won’t stay.